9 minutes that matter most

If you're like millions of other parents out there, you're racing from work to obligations, responding to emails, texts, to after-school activities, to dinner prep, to bedtime.

Distractions from to-do's to tech pull you and your middle schooler in so many directions. Each day can feel a bit like "rinse and repeat", or like groundhog day; filled with ups and downs, breakdowns, and going through the motions. In short, you're busy. Busy in your mind, busy in your body, and busy in your life.

Our culture is designed to be busy, but our souls and nature crave stillness and simplicity. When your head meets the pillow, you might be left wondering, "Did I do enough? Was I patient enough? Is my middle schooler ok? Oops I forgot to check in with them around XYZ. I could've been better in that thing..."

You want to be more connected, and you want and know you need to be more than just a chauffeur or calendar manager. But when is there time to have a real connection? You want to support them as much as possible, but you're already stretched thin.

Well, in today's podcast, I'm going to share the art, science, and soul behind the 9 most important minutes of your middle schooler's day. Focusing on these 9 minutes first gives you the peace of mind that you're meeting them where they're at, and you're relating to them in the most important ways that build authentic connection when it matters most.

I've created The RELATE Method to give you the key elements in building an unbreakable bond with your middle schooler. First, I'll remind you what The RELATE method is, and the idea is to weave in the components of RELATE during these 9 minutes in order to build an emotionally secure attachment and bond with your middle schooler.

What is The RELATE Method?

It's a method that walks you through all of the key aspects of creating an unbreakable bond with your middle schooler. RELATE is a special acronym to help you remember each element that makes up the best way to relate:

R= Reveal the real you

E= Engage

L= Listen

A= Attune

T= Trust

E= Elevate

When are the 9 minutes? These 9 minutes are:

• The first 3 minutes you have with them after they've woken up.
• The first 3 minutes you're together after school.
• The last 3 minutes you have with them before bed.

The 9 minutes was developed by neuroscientist Dr. Jaak Panksepp, who carved out seven primary emotional systems: SEEKING, CARE, PLAY, and LUST on the positive side, and FEAR, SADNESS, and ANGER on the negative side.

There's a lot of research supporting his hypothesis that imbalances in these ancient primary emotional systems are strongly linked to psychiatric disorders such as depression.

Here is why the 9 minutes is important:

• Breaks up a kid's routine in order to optimize and nourish their emotional wellbeing

• Your middle schooler's emotional health can be largely impacted by these 9 minutes

• The more your kid can express a range of emotions and feel safe, seen, and valued, the more likely they are to lead confident and productive lives

In today's episode, I give examples of each 3-minute increment, and how to weave in the RELATE method to give your bond and their emotional well-being a boost!

Take a look into today's talking points

The first 3 minutes you have with them after they've woken up.

Instead of ripping the covers off of them, flipping on the lights, and saying, "It's time to get up for school!" Then, leaving the room, remember to RELATE to them:

• Consider the first words you say. Powerful ways to connect: "I love you." "I hope you had a good night's rest." Rubbing their back, arms, legs and simply taking some deep breaths.

• Sit with them while they wake up and commit to these 3 minutes being peaceful and being there for whatever first comes up

The 3 minutes you're together after school.

Sometimes you won't be with them as soon as they're out of school, but there are always those first 3 minutes you see each other after your day away from each other.

• Let them know about the 3-minute plan so they know that the first 3 minutes of seeing each other are for connecting

• Show up with your RELATE Method tools and listen, attune and be authentic.

The 3 minutes you have with them before bed.

Middle schoolers are notorious for opening up before they go to bed, or coming to you at the end of their day with their feelings, truths, or questions. These 3 minutes are the optimal time to simply listen, guide, respond, and connect.

• Make sure tech is not involved

• Read together, share stories, talk about things big or small

Like what you hear? Keep listening to the Elevated Adolescence Podcast