What matters most in middle school?

I know you're busy managing life, taking care of kids, work, aging parents, family schedules, and your home. At a time when there's no shortage of distractions, you showing up here means you're prioritizing your own learning in how you can thrive through these middle school years.

But, your 6th - 9th grader has real challenges. Crushes. Tech. Acne. Managing school. Bullies. Friendship drama. Public speaking. Trying out for the sports team or the school play. The list goes on...

And, you want to support them as best as possible, but you're often left feeling like you don't want to hover, you don't want them to push you away, or you worry about their safety.

Maybe your life resembles one of these descriptions, or maybe it's something else.

The truth is that the solution lies in just two words.

Your Relationship.

Today's episode is dedicated to strengthening your relationship with your middle schooler. And I don't say this lightly: this one single move of listening to this episode has the potential to change your life for the better - if you use it.

I created something called The RELATE Method, which is what I'm giving you an overview of today. Want to hold a copy in your hand? You're in luck! Download your own FREE copy and follow along.

It's an easily accessible go-to guide to help you build the beliefs and skills necessary for your unbreakable bond during these pivotal years.

So, let's dive in.

RELATE is an acronym that stands for:

R: Reveal - Reveal the Real You

E: Engage - Bring high-quality presence

L: Listen - Absorb without an agenda

A: Attune - Tune into their state

T: Trust - Reciprocate say, then do

E: Elevate - Believe and act beyond the status quo.

Take a Look at Today's Talking Points

[4:44] Reveal: Reveal the real you

There's no shortage of research to support the fact that vulnerability and authenticity are the gateways to connection.

REVEAL your real self is the gateway to the strong bond you want with your adolescent.

What this looks like at home:

• Willingness and action in examining your own inner world. Identifying the why behind your fears and patterns.

• Seeking counseling, expert research, and thinking.

• Not judging yourself when you look in the mirror.

• Crying, laughing, dancing, and goofing without worrying what others think.

• Saying "no" when others expect "yes".

• Disagreeing with someone you love even when it might cause friction.

Conversation starters:

• "Is there anything about me you're curious about?"

• "Do you think I show you the real me?"

• "I wanted to keep the peace, but honestly, this is so frustrating."

• "I feel nervous to tell you this, but it's a big part of my life."

• "I'm seeking this out because I know it's the best thing for me and our relationship."

[8:45] Engage: To bring a high-quality presence

All behavior is communication. And, to fully ENGAGE is to bring quality attention and presence to whatever is happening with your kid, even when it's messy and complicated.

At home, to Engage is to:

• Being receptive, instead of reactive to how they're showing up.

• Communicate you're interested in them, even when they're pushing you away, you respect the space they need while saying the words - when you're ready I'm here for you with no agenda.

• Getting curious about their love of (video games, make-up, cheerleading, football - whatever it is!). Asking if you can play with them. Ask them to teach you about it.

• Instead of trying to mind-read and put words in their mouth, which diminishes them feeling empowered, you say "I wonder if you're feeling..." and you wait for them to respond.

Conversation Starters for Engage are:

• "What I hear you saying is..."(This is known as "Mirroring")

• "I'd love to know what you think about..."(something important to you and engage because you want their input)

• "Messy feelings are all a part of being human. I'm here for you - no judgment. Anything coming up for you lately?"

• "I love watching you do something you love. I can see the joy it brings you."

• "I know it's your thing, so I won't take over. I'm just curious about (whatever they love) because you're into it. Would you be willing to show me? Teach me?"

[12:32] Listen: Listen Deeply Without an Agenda

Whew! This is a biggy! And, takes some practice. The first 10 years are for parents to do the talking and the next 10 are for us to do some listening. There is a balance in here - and it's to make sure when you are listening, you're listening deeply.

What this looks like at home:

• Pay close attention to your non-verbal communication through eye contact and a slight smile. A furrowed brow = anger to your adolescent.

• Check the judgment in your mind or that comes out of your mouth moment-to-moment. Is that your true feeling? Or, are you projecting your own fears or experiences?

Conversation Starters for Listen:

• "Do you want me to help you problem-solve, or do you just want me to listen?"

• "I'm wondering how you're feeling right now. Let me know if you want me to just listen."

• Simple responses such as: "I see." "I understand."

• Ask questions that mirror what they're saying without assuming: "What I hear you saying is you're frustrated. Am I right?"

• Don't say anything at all. Just a simple hand on a shoulder or eye contact will do.

[17:28] Attune: tune into their state of being

Like a radio dial, to ATTUNE is to become receptive to the signal your kid is sending, verbally and non-verbally. It's the process of getting on the same page by getting into harmony with their state of being.

What this looks like at home:

• Observing without evaluating.

• Practice tuning into their emotions, like fear or anger, but not making them your own emotions.

• Whether they are excited or slumped, you mirror with eye contact...without mocking them. This allows you to sense their intention and mindset, as well as understand their behavior.

• Simply being together. Sometimes all it takes is sitting next to them and just hanging out.

• A hug when you greet them and eye contact afterward for a check-in.

Connection/Conversation Starters for Attune: 

• (Take a deep breath before saying) "That looked hard. Are you ok?"

• "Anything on your mind?"

• "Can I give you a hug?"

• "Can I get you anything?"

[20:38] Trust: reciprocate, say, then do.

A key component of adolescence is your kid's biological wiring to become independent from you. This stage is a bridge from a young child to an adult. The choices your kid makes now can impact them into their adult years. The stakes are becoming higher.

You must practice building TRUST together while modeling what it means for them to trust themselves. 

What this looks like at home:

• When faced with an everyday challenge, ask them what their heart is telling them to do. Then, respect what they say.

• When you ask them what's wrong, or to open up in some way, be cautious of your judgments when they finally do. In doing so, they trust they can be vulnerable with you.

• Ask them for their input on something important to you.

Conversation Starters for Trust:

• "I now understand how hard that was for you when I did that. I'm going to work on that." Then, back it up with action.

• Simply saying the words, "I trust you'll make a smart decision." empowers them to prove it.

• "I remember middle school like it was yesterday. I made some sketchy decisions and broke trust with people. Can I share a story with you?"

[24:08] Elevate: Believe and act beyond the status quo.

Adolescence has gotten a very bad reputation over the years as being the worst, most dreaded stage of child development.

To ELEVATE is to believe and act beyond the status quo. It requires you to shift your mindset from "survive" to "thrive". To ELEVATE is to embrace this stage as an opportunity to grow, connect, and create. The result is feeling empowered when society is telling you otherwise. 

What this looks like at home:  

• Ride the wave of their emotions (flow, ease), instead of holding on for dear life (fear, anger).

• View challenges as opportunities to learn and grow.

• Ask yourself, "What can I learn from them?"

• Model mental, physical, and spiritual self-care.

• Seek personal growth, counseling, or therapy

• Excercise to feel strong and healthy, not just to be thin

• Seek out nature, meditation, and share some of your inner world

Conversation starters for Elevate:

• "I learn so much from you all the time."

• "I really want to become a better cook. Any foods you want me to try to make for you? Or that we could make together?"

• "I can't live without my hot baths. What do you feel like your body can't live without?"

• "In this family, when we get knocked down 7 times, we get up 8. You've got this...and I'm with you all the way."

• "You want to invite friends over and work on something creative this weekend? I won't interfere, and I'll provide whatever you need."

And, that, my friends is the RELATE Method. Remember, you can download a detailed version of the method and start to practice it with your middle schooler.

When you're facing any challenge with your middle schooler and you want to support them in a way that won't make them slam the door or cringe - come back to this method, and it will always have your back.  It will leave you knowing you have what you need to give yourself and your middle schooler the confidence and connection you're both craving.

If you like this podcast, review, rate, and share it so other parents like you can find resources to lift them up on this journey.

Like what you hear? Keep listening to the Elevated Adolescence Podcast