There is no such thing as a perfect parent...

I was working with a parent of a middle schooler recently who described her middle schooler as perfectionistic, and detrimentally so. Through questions and coaching she was able to realize that she was wanting to help her daughter combat perfectionism, but having different standards for herself. She was supportive of her kids when they expressed their range of emotion, but she wasn't allowing herself to do the same. She wasn't allowing herself to "fail". You can listen to the episode for the full story, but this tidbit gets at what I'm trying to get across.

Perfectionism is a myth we come to believe at various points in our lives.

If only I could do this "right",  look "perfect", be "perfect", then I'd be loved, celebrated, and successful. Underneath perfectionism is a need to control, and the belief, "It's never enough," and even deeper, "I'm never enough." To be liked is to be the one who has it all together all the time.

And, parents, if this is you, you've been conditioned to believe this. You can look around at society and get messages of fear and scarcity at every twist and turn. The moment you look at the news - there it is! More fear! More scarcity! The advertisement industry plays off our insecurities and has since the beginning.

Today, there's a paradigm shift happening around toxic advertising slowly but surely, because people are becoming more discerning about what they absorb and buy into. People are starting to demand more authentic and real ways of being sold to.

But the one area that needs attention and support is parenting.

Well-intentioned experts (myself included) in the fields of education, neuroscience, child and adolescent development, and psychology are coming out with information and research on the effects of trauma on our ability to live our best lives. There's a collective awareness brewing that we've all been traumatized a little...and left unhealed this is what leads to a lot of dysfunction and unconscious parenting.

So, the tide has shifted, and many parents are waking up to this. They are becoming aware of the varying degrees of trauma, and the ramifications of our beliefs and actions on our kids.

The extreme and more common side effect of this I've noticed lately is parents leaning (once again) towards perfectionism in their behavior and actions,  just like the mom I mentioned.

They may have let go of the idea of the perfect appearance or a Pinterest birthday party, but they're worried that everything they've done wrong, every time they yell, or argue in front of their kid, or slam a door, leads to their kid being traumatized for life - just like they were. They're so afraid they're going to F them up no matter what.

It's kind of like walking on eggshells as a parent, or feeling that you've always got to be calm, happy, and grounded...and this feels fake, impossible, and destined for failure. Maybe this is you?

Here is what I want to say:

Whatever version of perfect you have in your mind, it's never going to happen, and it's never going to work. You are right, it is impossible!

The perfect parent is NOT what your middle schooler needs. Perfect parenting is for the birds.

Your early adolescent needs you to be real, plain and simple. In fact, the first thing I share in The RELATE Method is R - to reveal the real you. Not the polished, always balanced, always optimistic you. Those things, yes, and also the layers of what it looks like to be human.

This doesn't give you a free pass to be an a-hole, but expressing the range of your own human experience and watching you grow through it is the gift they truly need.

In the full episode, I give you some more parenting truth bombs that you really need to hear right now. We're all just doing a version of life that feels right to us and that alone is exactly what you need to do. You're not perfect, but you're growing.

Remember: parenting a middle schooler is not for the faint of heart, but you were made for each other. If you commit to showing up each day for yourself and for them, your lives will change for the better.

Like what you hear? Keep listening to the Elevated Adolescence Podcast