What Does Your 12-Year-Old Self Need to Hear?
There are moments in life that shake you awake—where time slows down, and suddenly, you see everything with a new kind of clarity.
For me, one of those moments happened in a packed auditorium, surrounded by thousands of people, with Oprah herself on stage.
I had a toddler and a six-month-old at home, and there I was, pumping under my coat (a memory that still makes me laugh) while absorbing every word of wisdom she shared. It was an event about living your best life, and at that time, I was doing okay. I had a flexible schedule, a career I loved coaching tweens and teens, and two healthy kids.
But then, Oprah asked a question that stopped me cold.
“What does the 7-year-old you need to hear?”
And just like that, I was back in my childhood, remembering the little girl who had just moved to a new state, who had a tough teacher but a loving mother. A little girl who, in response to uncertainty, clung to perfectionism and people-pleasing as if her life depended on it.
I kept writing.
Then, she asked another question—one that made my heart race.
“Now, what does the 12-year-old you need to hear?”
And suddenly, memories I had buried deep came rushing to the surface.
The Moment That Changed Everything
Twelve-year-old me needed to hear that it was okay to be curious about boys. That she didn’t need to be liked at all costs. That she had the right to say no and that “I don’t know” was a complete answer.
Twelve-year-old me needed to hear that what happened to her at the hands of a classmate wasn’t her fault. That she shouldn’t have known better. That she didn’t need to be fixed—or to fix anyone else.
Sitting in that auditorium, I had what I can only describe as a tunnel of light moment—where I saw the domino effect of that time in my life. I realized how that one buried experience had shaped everything:
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The friendships and relationships I pursued.
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The ways I seemed fearless but secretly held myself back.
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The reason I became a chameleon—able to blend into any group, any situation.
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My deep, subconscious mission to rescue people… because I had once needed rescuing myself.
I had spent my teen years partying, experimenting, making sure I never missed out on fun. From the outside, I looked happy. But inside, parts of me had shut down at twelve.
You’re Not Alone
Since that day, I’ve learned that my experience was not unique.
So many parents, friends, and teens I’ve worked with have told me their own stories.
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The moment they disconnected from themselves to keep others happy.
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The moment they stopped feeling safe enough to express their real thoughts.
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The moment they started numbing out—whether through perfectionism, partying, or just keeping busy to avoid sitting with their own feelings.
And for so many, that moment happened during their tween or teen years.
The Decision That Changed My Parenting
That day, I made a promise to myself:
I couldn’t change the past, but I could change the way I showed up for my own kids.
I wouldn’t be able to control everything about their lives. But I could do the deep, inner work to heal myself—so that their tween and teen years would look and feel different.
I wanted my kids to like themselves when they were alone. I wanted them to trust themselves and their choices. I wanted to build a relationship where they trusted me, too.
And that’s exactly what I’ve spent the last 18 years doing—first as an educator and now as a coach.
That journey has led me here, to The Teenage Guide.
Everything I offer inside my programs, whether it’s THRIVE or my Teenage Guides, comes from this mission:
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To help parents unpack their own adolescence, so they don’t unintentionally pass down unhealthy cycles.
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To provide a soul-to-systems toolkit—because parenting is both an emotional and a logistical challenge.
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To shift the way we think about adolescence as a stage of growth, not something to survive.
And so, I want to ask you the same question that Oprah once asked me:
What Does 12-Year-Old You Need to Hear?
Take a moment. Close your eyes. Breathe.
Let yourself listen to what comes up.
What did your 12-year-old self need to know back then?
Maybe they needed to hear: ❤️ You don’t have to be perfect to be loved. ❤️ You don’t have to say yes just to keep people happy. ❤️ Your emotions make sense—you’re not “too much.” ❤️ You are safe. You are enough. You are loved.
Whatever it is—sit with it. Even just for a few minutes.
Because when we see ourselves, when we give ourselves compassion, that’s when we truly start healing.
And the best part?
That healing ripples into how we show up for our kids.
✨ Ashley
Ready to Transform Your Parenting?
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