ο»ΏSpeaker: Ashley Chandler0:01 β It's 11 p.m. and you're scrolling to escape whatever happened at home tonight with your teen. And somewhere in the back of your head, you're thinking, What do I actually do about this? Here's the thing that nobody tells you. The things that you can see, the grades, the attitude, the silence, secrecy, those aren't the actual problem. When you're looking at your family as a whole, those are the leaves of what I call the teenage tree. And by the time you're experiencing any kind of stress, fear,
0:30 β Pain, conflict, yelling. That's an indication that something is off underneath it. And it probably has been for quite a while. So I built a quiz for you to know exactly what to do. It's eight questions, it's two minutes. It tells you exactly what level of your family's teenage tree you need to be focused on. Not the surface thing, the real one. From there, the exact next right move to take. It's called Beyond the Surface and it's free.
0:59 β The link is below. Go take it and in just a few minutes you're gonna have more clarity than you would after a few hours of researching and scrolling. You can also go to theteenageguide.com forward slash quiz. β
1:20 β Hey, I'm Ashley Chandler, the Teenage Guide, and for nearly two decades, I've worked inside middle schools and high schools and with college-age students β and family living rooms helping hundreds of families β go from daily conflict and closed doors β to real connection with their teenager. β I speak parent and I speak teen, β and I create a bridge between you β that a lot of other methods can't β and won't.
1:48 β If you're navigating adolescence in your home β and a version of yourself you're still becoming, β you're exactly where you need to be. β Let's reimagine the teenage years with science and soul β at the forefront. β This is the Teenage Guide Podcast. β
2:24 β Welcome back to the Teenage Guide Podcast. Today I'm doing a little myth busting on beliefs that oftentimes even the most well-intentioned loving parents have. They seem reasonable on the surface, but they're actually blocking the exact outcome that you would like to experience with your teen. Let's get into it. All right, so today I'm gonna walk you through five things that will not mark my words, will not fix your teenager.
2:54 β And then I'm gonna give you the one thing that actually will. The thing that I've watched change hundreds of families' lives consistently, β reliably, and faster than anyone really realizes it can work. If you've been in my world for a while, you know about my teenage tree framework. I am going to be referencing it in this episode. Don't worry, if you don't know what it is, you're gonna get a lot of insight in today's episode. So I wanna start with something that I hear a lot, which is.
3:23 β I've tried everything. We've tried it all. So I just want to validate that you probably have tried everything that you know how to do up to that point. And it probably does feel like you're running on empty. You've read the books, you've done the research, maybe you've been to therapy, maybe you've talked to specialists, maybe you've changed your diet. Maybe you've tried this tool, this resource from Great Aunt Martha that she recommended, or β
3:49 β Betsy down the street and it worked for her kid. You've backed off, then you've leaned in, Googled things at midnight, β you've gone to some random blog, you found a resource, you tried it. You see where I'm going with this. You've tried everything, or maybe a fraction of those things, and it feels like everything. So first I want to call out, I see you and I get it. You've tried a lot of external things out here, tools, solutions, things to help support it.
4:18 β But we haven't gotten to the root, and that's what we're gonna get to today. So, quick run through of the teenage tree framework that I reference β every day in my work. I want you to have a tree in your mind, the whole tree ecosystem, the soil, the roots, β the branches, and the leaves. The soil is your relationship with yourself, the roots are your relationship with your teenager, the branches are the systems or tools that you have to build specific skills.
4:46 β And then the leaves are the experience that is very tangible for you. You are experiencing it on a daily basis. Maybe it's the yelling, the low motivation, the blocking you out, the conflict, whatever it is, those are the leaves. That is the quick version of the teenage tree. If you want a deeper version of the teenage tree, be sure to check out episode 55 called It's Not Therapy, but it's therapeutic, What I Do, where I walk you through in detail.
5:15 β what the teenage tree is all about. And I'm gonna link it in the show notes. Every single myth I'm gonna share with you today is a branch. It's a system or a tool that you have tried, but it doesn't have the nourishment of healthy roots and soil to support it. And so the branch breaks. It doesn't work. And so that's where you start to experience β everything I'm doing hasn't worked.
5:41 β So here are five things that will not fix your teenager. Myth number one: β if I have the right consequences, β then she'll start behaving. If I have the right consequences, then she'll start listening. So here's the truth: consequences β are a branch β in the teenage tree. And branches don't often hold in that depleted soil or root system β when you are dysregulated.
6:09 β When your teen is in fight or flight, when they are stressed, the consequences do not reach the part of the nervous system β and her identity that actually receives it, that learns from it. It just adds more stress to an already stressed system. So the lesson is not internalized. More stress, more pressure, more shutdown, more distance. What actually works β is.
6:37 β Tending to the soil, your relationship with yourself, and tending to the relationship with her. From that place, β a regulated teen can receive a consequence β and learn from it. Really get it. A dysregulated teen just experiences the consequence as more of a threat. Myth number two. β If I explain it better, he'll get it. Here's the truth. The thinking brain, the part of the brain.
7:05 β That can actually hear a well-thought-out explanation and then they learn it and then they apply it β comes β from a regulated nervous system, from a balanced energy and state. When your teenager is dysregulated and you're trying to explain something, you're talking to them a lot, they will not receive it. You're talking to the wrong part of the brain first. The words
7:33 β Do not land. Imagine that you are feeling stressed about something. And then your partner comes up and starts talking to you β about what needs to get done in the house because they're getting ready to leave for β an activity that evening. Meanwhile, you're stressed. And all of a sudden they go, Are you listening to me? And so they try it again. They try explaining it better, β saying it slower. This is why conversations can go completely differently. Same information.
8:02 β Same explanation, but they they are experienced very differently β on a Tuesday at 4 p.m. versus a Saturday at 11 a.m. Same words, β different nervous system state. Myth number three. If she could just take care of school, everything else would fall into place. β Motivation, β feeling self-driven, being a self-driven person, having high motivation is an experience that we desire. It is a leaf.
8:32 β On the teenage tree. β It is a direct result β of healthy soil, healthy roots, and the right skill and system in place. β So low motivation from a teenager is not a result of their apathy β or their laziness. It is a result of an overworked or overstressed or overstimulated nervous system. They are frozen about something, β or they β are.
9:01 β Distracted in order to numb. We go to these different places as teenagers to reduce our stress, whether they're healthy or not. So what appears as low motivation β and what appears as if school would just get better, everything else would get better is actually the reverse. A teenager who's not motivated has a nervous system that doesn't have enough safety, that doesn't have enough connection.
9:28 β potentially enough movement that has not metabolized the stress going through it. And so therefore it cannot activate the part of the brain that can actually follow through β and think through their task list and practice prioritization and practice making time sticky and real. These are all direct results of a regulated nervous system. Grades or motivation, they are a manifestation
9:58 β of what's underneath the surface and at the root and in the soil. By the time you see the grade, then they're not doing well. It's a reflection that things are struggling underneath the surface and maybe have been for a while. So you don't have to manufacture motivation. β You have to create the conditions to support it. Myth number four, if we could just get through this phase, everything will just get better on its own. I do understand why some parents think this because a lot of phases do pass. β
10:28 β Okay, this is just a phase in life and we have to get through it. I get it. I've lived it on multiple levels. And in some circumstances, that is true. And at the same time, when you have this philosophy and mindset, you have to ask yourself, what am I settling for? What am I willing to have this cost to have this particular time β be such a struggle? β And underneath all of this, the unaddressed.
10:56 β Root system, the relationship, the way that you relate to each other in your family, unaddressed, toxic, unhealed root system does not magically heal itself. The patterns that often form in adolescence carry on in adulthood. How the family relates to each other, how the teenager understands themselves or sees themselves, how you see your role in their life.
11:20 β How you see yourself and what you believe is worth showing up for, what you believe is worth putting time into, time and energy. So the roots may be in this knot and they may be unhealthy β and β they need to be deepened, but they won't deepen on their own. That requires the inner work and the relational work in your family to make those roots healthy again. And it's the greatest investment that you will ever make.
Myth number five.
11:49 β My teen is the one that needs fixing. If they could just find the right person to work with them, everything would be better. I hear this a lot. And I do want to validate that sometimes you parents are doing so much right. You really are. And sometimes that is what's needed, is sometimes a teen does need a mentor or a coach that is not you. I get it. β And at the same time, what I want you to understand is that your teenager.
12:18 β Is growing up in a relationship system and you are part of that system. Yes, you could have the greatest coach in the world for them, the greatest support, but you're getting them the bulk of the time. Your teenager is living inside your relationship system and they are learning how to take care of themselves. They're learning how to regulate themselves in a very real way inside the walls of your home the bulk of the time.
12:47 β Your relationship system and the health of it is what makes all these things possible for them. Sending your teen to someone else without you doing your own relational work is like taping on roses on a rose bush. Meanwhile, the stems, the roots, and the soil are all dead. It might help it look pretty for a while, but it's not gonna last. It's not gonna live. It won't change long term and you have to focus on the whole system. That's where sustainable change actually lives.
13:17 β So here's the one thing that actually works to quote unquote fix your teen. And I've seen it work. I've seen it work. I see it work in families β every single day. The relationship is the intervention. The relationship that you have with yourself and that you have with them, it is the intervention that you are looking for. Not the perfectly worded consequence that you're giving them, not the app.
13:44 β That monitors their screen time. Now, I'm not saying all those things aren't valuable. I'm just saying they aren't the intervention alone. Not the tutor, not the therapist, not the parenting book that you read in one night. I'm not saying all those things aren't extremely valuable tools to have in your toolkit to build skills and to improve your relationship. They are all tools, but they are not the intervention itself. It's the relationship. When the soil is healthy, everything benefits.
14:14 β And when a parent in midlife especially is doing their own work on themselves β and they are tending to that relationship with themselves, your teenager directly benefits. You β are their teenage guide. This is neuroscience and this is universal law. This is science and this is soul β wrapped up together β in you having a completely different way of approaching these adolescent years.
14:40 β Remember, never underestimate the power that you have as the parent. I'll see you next week. You've tried the calm voice, the leaning in, the backing off, the assuming the best, fearing the worst, rehearsing the conversation in the car before you even go in the house so that your teenager will actually hear you, way more yelling than you want to admit, and so much stress. And somewhere in there, you may have started to believe that the problem for you and your teen is unsolvable.
15:09 β I'm here to tell you it's not. You have just been working at the wrong level of what I call the teenage tree. And nobody has ever handed you a map or a guide for where to actually focus your time and your energy, where to start for you and your unique family at this particular moment in time. That's what Start Strong is all about. It's your back to school blueprint that maps out what is needed so that you can have the
15:39 β best relationship with your teenager and so that you have a guide in order to help them do their best in school and within their own ever-changing social life. It's three days with me, quick 30 minute classes with the option to meet with me one on one. Recordings are available on a limited basis. And by day three, you walk out with the clarity and a real family plan that lays the foundation for the best relationships and the exact skills to build.
16:08 β For you and your family for the next 30 days. Most parents do not know how to actually prep their teens for back to school. This is it. I've watched this work over and over again for hundreds of my clients and inside my own home. Again, this sets the foundation so that you and your teen thrive this year. It's $33. The link's right there. It starts August 14th. And you can also register at theteenageguide.com. β
16:37 β Forward slash strong. Get ready for the pattern β for you and your teens whole year to be set on purpose. I can't wait to see you there. β Thank you so much for being here today. If this episode resonated with you, or if you heard yourself β somewhere in it, β that is not an accident. You are meant to be here. β Come discover more about me and my work β at the teenageguide.com. β
17:06 β Or follow along wherever you are. And if this episode helped you, share it with one parent who needs to hear it. A like and a subscribe means more than you know. β And as always, never underestimate the power that you have as the parent. β Because you β are the teenage guide too. β
