ο»ΏHi, I'm Ashley Chandler. Welcome back to the Teenage Guide Podcast. I'm so happy that you're here today. β I am β really β super grateful and excited to talk to you about something that does not get enough airtime in the parenting space, β which is finding your village. We as parents need to find our people. β And parenting during adolescent years, β and
It makes us feel more isolated.
You need your community, you need your village, you need healthy people in your corner. β Because parenting a teenager β in 2026 requires a different kind of toolkit than any previous generation. It's not to discount previous generations. It's just to say β the things that we're facing now are not the things people were facing 10 years ago, β 20 years ago, and so on.
And we are biologically hardwired, neurobiologically hardwired to β thrive β in community. So that's what today's episode is about. Listen in, find out why it's so important. Find out how to create the village that really speaks to your soul β and improves life for you and your family, β and β why it's so important.
So tune in today. So listen in if you're interested in knowing β some of the key ways that I recommend building an intentional village, β meaning one that genuinely supports the real you and the real family that you have and your teenager into, you know, your best selves β lifts you up, holds up a mirror, all those good kind of things.
Welcome back to the Teenage Guide Podcast. I'm Ashley Chandler, and I'm so happy that you're here. I want to talk to you about something that does not get a ton of airtime when talking about the parenting space. β And in 2026, β having this β one thing can really make or break your experience. And I would say it's true for all previous generations, but particularly. β
In this time that we're living in right now, we are facing things as parents and as midlife humans that people weren't facing a decade ago or 20 years ago and so on, especially when we were teenagers. It's a whole different book that we're playing by. It's a whole different toolkit that we need. So β that is β the power of community, the power β of having supportive people really around you.
in this very intense season of your life. So tune in to how to build so listen in to ways that I recommend you β seek out and build that kind of intentional community β and why it is so important.
Most parents of teenagers β are doing it alone, looking around at everyone else, β maybe seeing each other at different things like back to school night or the pickup line or whatever in these kind of surface interactions. β And we are convinced that everyone else has it together β and we're the ones that are struggling. When β I work with families and parents, I notice β how strong the narrative is that we're all alone.
And there tends to be a lot of parenting groups for, you know, postpartum or the toddler years or even elementary. There's a lot more, hey, get out of your car and actually go in and pick up your kid inside school, wait for them. They're excited to see you. It's a whole different kind of energy. By the time you get to middle school and high school, your kids like, Mom, you're embarrassing me. Don't come in, right? And so you're stuck in your car. β And you are walking this fine line.
Wanting to be involved, not wanting to be embarrassing, β and wanting to connect with real people. Ever since COVID, I've noticed a giant shift where people got accustomed to being more isolated and alone. β So it's COVID with a combination of technology, which gives us the illusion that we're connected, but really β it's β very surface level, even if we're sharing vulnerable things.
Sharing the energy and the space with someone, even if it's through a screen but it's in real time, is a very different energy β than reading a text. And so today I'm going to be talking about the ways that I have sought out real community, how I recommend some questions, some prompts to ask yourself in terms of your own community β and why it is so darn important for your well-being and for your teenagers' well-being. So let's get into it.
My personal take. Now I wrote this and I thought, β stroke of genius. β I love it when things rhyme. β But it's so flippin' true. My personal take, I am allergic to fake. Truly. Like β small talk to me β is hell. I know there's a place for it. I've mentioned it before. I know there's a place for small talk. We can talk about the weather a little bit. I saw this really
Funny. I love, you know, if I'm ever looking at something on Instagram or Facebook or something like that, my favorite thing to watch is β parodies of husbands that husbands do of wives. I think it's so funny. β But then also just comedians in general. Like I go on there to laugh and be entertained in that way. β And β I saw this guy, and it said the caption read, like, my wife, after she's met you for five minutes.
And it was like, tell me the story of your life. What's the deepest pain you're holding in your heart right now? It was so β it was so funny. And I thought that is what my husband would say about me. β I cannot do small talk. I find β honesty β like a magnet. I am magnetized to people who β are honest in a self-deprecating way, in a real way, not in a brutal way that's like.
you know, making people feel bad about themselves, but more in a way that's just refreshing. You know, you can tell they take a little bit of truth serum with their coffee, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, as I like to say. β And β and this isn't to disparage her, but ever since my mom died, I have β no drama in my life. β And I used to watch a little bit of Real Housewives, β of Orange County or of
β New York or whatever. β But I stopped doing that when I was going through a really intense personal season in the last few years because I realized it was stressing me out. It was adding drama β and just unnecessary β stress in my life. Like watching those like they were upset about shit that excuse me, we're gonna bleep that out. They're upset about stuff that doesn't actually matter. There's a lot of fakeness, a lot of surface. And so I've even cut that up.
Even though I used to love it.
I used to find it entertaining. I don't find it entertaining anymore.
If you've been β listening to me for a while, or you know me, you know I grew up in Oklahoma and Missouri, β and I love being from there. And then from there, I've lived in California and I've lived in Colorado. β And β since then I've lived in some of the most β wealthy, β well-educated kind of, you know.
As when I got to California from the Midwest, a lot of people hadn't even heard of the places I was from, which totally blew my mind. They call like the middle of the country between the coasts flyover country. And I always found that β ridiculous because, β you know, there are good people everywhere. There's good things happening everywhere. So I love being from Missouri and Oklahoma for that reason. And since then I've lived in these places that have a lot of opportunity, they're kind of
You know, it's like a bubble. β and β what I realized from those different experiences is that β I am not impressed with status β at all. Not in the slightest bit. I don't care if you have a lot of money or if you have the trendiest thing β or if you are the who's who of that town. That doesn't impress me. What impresses me β is β integrity.
It's ingenuity, it's compassion for people, β it's self-awareness, it's trying to grow as a person. It's a good sense of humor, but not at the expense of someone else. β It is using your gifts and your talents to make the world a little bit better. Those things impress me. β And I try to emulate those qualities in my own life. β And what I notice is β my β and my
My best friend growing up and I, we have a funny joke where we're talking about the power of being authentic. β And, β you know, Br Brene Brown talks about how authenticity β is β authenticity and vulnerability are the gateways to connection, which I could not agree more. It's the gateway to greater connection with your teen. β It's the gateway to greater connection with yourself, you know, when we are vulnerable and we are real with ourselves.
And we accept ourselves starting there, we attract that in our lives. β And there is a difference between someone who likes to eats a burrito and there's sour cream dripping from their face. That's just disgusting. β Using that as a guise for authenticity, I'm just real. No, you're just you don't have good food manners, right? So there's β a difference between being authentic in that way and just being real like yourself, just being.
able to be a little bit vulnerable, a little bit raw, show your imperfections and your humanity and you know, the way that you aren't perfect and everything isn't curated. That is also β very magnetic.
It's not about performing, you know. Even when I get on here and I record these videos, I am pretending that I am talking directly to a human being on the other end because that's the intention that I have with every single one of these videos. It's not, yay, I'm in front of a camera. It's I β want what I'm saying and the energy I bring to meet you where you are. And β
It's about having critical thinking and β real conversations β and β maybe the occasional venting session, β but also holding up a mirror to each other β and having people in my corner β who can hold up that mirror β and say, look at what is going well, or maybe look at some of your blind spots.
Everything that I just described, I'm allergic to fake authenticity, I love honesty, I don't care about status, all of that. This is the filter at which I run through creating my own village. This is how I've created a very intentional β village around myself that has taken time and energy β and thought as I parent my own teenagers. β And β
This village is a direct reflection β of the relationship β that I have with myself now. It wasn't β the relationship I had with myself in my teens or my twenties necessarily, right? We go through seasons in our lives where our village changes. β What happens, I notice a lot.
So what happens a lot is that once us parents get to the teenage years, it's like our village kind of disappears in certain ways. β And we may not be friends β with β our kids', β you know, our kids' friends' parents anymore. We may not even know them. We may not even know whose house they're going off to anymore or know them on a deep level.
So we can't call them in a crisis and find out what's really going on. We may not know the majority of people in that pickup line or at that back to school night. β And it's not just a feeling that I have, it's actually written been written about a lot. And a recent article that I'll actually link in the show notes describes this experience exactly for parents of adolescents.
Nearly one third, β one third β of parents β say that they lack family or a real support system by them during the teenage years.
Not only do they lack family or real supports, and they may even lack a partner. So nearly one third of parents of adolescents are lacking a village.
At a time when technology β is supposed to keep us more connected, paradoxically, we are more isolated than we've ever been. And we feel that. We can see that with the anxious generation, β with anxiety and mental health crisis on the rise. β So much of the root of it β is our lack β of β really healthy connection.
That is rooted in the village mentality. I've got your back, you've got my back. I'm not talking about you behind your back. I have real conversation with you when we are in the same space. I can handle when you're upset. I bring you cinnamon when you're out of it. β I can take your kids over here if you need me to. You know, I'll show up at the hospital. I'm gonna bring you β a cup of soup if you need it. β This
Village mentality is so much β of what I look back on in my upbringing in the Midwest. And it's so much of the beautiful peace about what can oftentimes happen in different communities. It's just automatically built in as part of the culture. β And so many communities now don't have that. β And we have to be intentional about creating that.
You know, neighbors lending a hand and extended f living by extended family, oftentimes those things are like things of the past.
And research shows that in carrying it alone, the isolation and the loneliness β for us as parents β adds it just compounds the weight that we're carrying, whether it be an emotional weight β or β the weight of the financial pressure that we might feel, β or β the burden of the constant stress.
the weight of not having people to brainstorm with or troubleshoot with or, you know, just a heavier burden to carry. β And we're walking around with that without a village of our people.
And I will say I've said it once, I'll say it again. Ever since the invention of social media and Pinterest, women in particular have this unexpected pressure to be more curated. And we've seen it across so many different things from reality TV to influencer, you know, culture, β and that invisible pressure that women in particular, and men too, I will say, feel to quote unquote have it all together or β
When we're out in public, we pretend β like we have it all together.
Effortless perfection β is absolutely unattainable. When we have a narrative that someone else has it altogether, or β we try to come off in that way, β we are completely separated from our truth and our authentic self.
We know that, β we crave that. We crave to just be real and you know, be able to eat cheese dip on the couch with in sweatpants.
But because we get pressure from society or from our community, we've internalized that kind of struggle. We've made it a thing. Like somehow, no, we should be figuring this out now. And all alone.
When you are parenting a teenager through all of adolescence, and remember, it's a 14-year journey. It's not like it's just, you know, a drop in the bucket. It's a quite lengthy time β that you are spending in this parenting journey. You β are going through one of the most complex and demanding seasons of your life and of their life. β And at a time when it is so complex and demanding, you actually need.
More support. You need more of a village, not less. β I like to say, and I've said it before, that adolescence, midlife and adolescence, it's like the reverse of each other. We are also going through our own identity transformation in midlife. We're also going through a complete neurobiological transformation and changes. Our hormones are also changing. β We are also going through just major reconstruction.
project, right? In every area, redefining who we are and why we matter. And so much of our identity has been wrapped up into being a mom or being a dad. And now that's shifting. They're pulling away and I'm in the middle of my career. And what do I want to do? How do I want to spend my time? I like to say it's like adolescence in reverse. β We need our own support system in addition to being a parent. We need our own support, our own village.
during this particular season as well.
You need people around you who get that, β not people who give unsolicited advice or project their problems onto you, or who, β you know, have a fake like, mmm, that sounds hard. And then behind your back, they're like, I can't believe Cindy's struggling about that. It's not that big of a deal, right? You need people. β
who have been in the room that you've been in. And if they haven't been in the exact same situation, β they can be with you in that space β without projecting their experience onto you, without getting upset or uncomfortable at you having your own experience.
Without making it worse.
The wisdom that we get with getting older β is β we don't have anything to prove. I surround myself with people who know this. β We are letting go of the proving energy, hopping off the hamster wheel.
You start realizing something that maybe you didn't know when you were younger, which is you don't need to do this all alone. In fact, it's not healthy.
So having a village as a parent, it wasn't just like a luxury, like a nice to have. It is the foundation. It is like the infrastructure of your β life.
What's cool about living at this time, you know, we have a lot of different kinds of pressure, yes. But a really amazing thing about living in the digital age in 2026 β is that we can have a village that doesn't necessarily live across the street. We can have a village with people all around the world. We can create that kind of sense of community. Can they bring us cinnamon on a Sunday morning? No.
They probably can't, but they can show up for us in different ways, and that is the beauty of the internet.
So I'm gonna off so I want to offer you some questions β to sit with β and to reflect on. And you can write these down, β you can hit replay and give yourself some space and some time to think about this, β to think about these questions, β to see what resonates with you, what doesn't, where you want to shift some things in your life.
So that you have a village around you, β no matter where people live, you are creating that kind of community around you and your teen in the best way possible. And yes, it will take time, but with these questions, here's a little bit of a jump start to get you going.
So here are some questions β to ponder to build a real community. No, take that out.
So β here we go. Start with these questions. β Who in your life, when you are in their energy or when they leave, after you're you've been in their energy, who β do you leave feeling β so supported by? Not more drained, but seen and supported?
Who in your life really gets you β and β celebrates your gifts?
celebrates your true nature, who you really are. They want to know the real you. Who in your life holds up a mirror in a loving or kind or compassionate way to maybe some of the blind spots that you have?
Not because they want to criticize you, but more because they want to feel closer to you.
Who in your life can you be really β real with? Like the 2 a.m. version of you, β the one that you got a you just had your colonoscopy, β or you got in a fight and there were doors slammed and you might text them, β or the one where, you know, your hair's falling out, or you have, you know, a financial challenge or issue. Who's that person that lifts you up?
that you can share that with, but who doesn't hang out there forever and is in a constant venting space. But the person that you can share that with, process it with, and then move and grow forward.
The people that you named in answers to these questions, β these are your people. This is part of your village. And if your village happens to be in your local community β and they have a relationship with your teen and you feel supported by them right where you are, that is a beautiful gift. Celebrate it, grow it, nurture it.
And if not, it's time to maybe think about creating an intentional community or village designed for this stage of your life. Not a general parenting Facebook group where there's a lot of venting and I need advice and a recommendation for XYZ, but a consistent touch point with other β like-minded, supportive, self-aware humans β who.
You can lift each other up, you can hear each other out.
You recognize in each other similar things you're both going through. Your teens push for independence, β the β you know, the the getting ready to launch and go to college and the grief that comes with that. β Your teen is learning how to drive, they're having, you know, girl drama when they're thirteen, like all these different things. You can bounce experiences off of each other β and really be there for each other.
And this is a really important question to ask yourself. β Are you modeling to your teen what it looks like to ask for support? Because support β is not a sign of weakness. Asking for support and creating that village is not a sign of weakness. β It is a sign β of wisdom. This is what we are designed to do. β It is a sign β of confidence β and health.
and well being to have people around you.
This is exactly why I built Thrive, My Parent Membership and Community. And I'm going to put all the details in the show notes. We have weekly touch points. You get access to me and group coaching and other like-minded parents. I've intentionally built it for the reasons that I've described in this episode. β And if that's not what you're seeking, that's fine too. I encourage you to go seek it out. β It will make such a massive difference in the way that you.
Show up in the way, in the quality of life that you and your family have.
And if you are ready to stop doing it alone and you're curious, I would love to see you there. I would love to have you check it out.
You can find out more at the teenageguide.com forward slash work with Ashley.
So your village may look different than it did like 30 years ago. It may be β in an β online community. It may be β a smaller circle β of people in your own community or people you meet from different walks of life that you build around yourself. The need for it β is not different. And it's never been different. If anything, it's only multiplied and magnified that we need. β
others. We need a village around us to be able to have the best relationships with ourselves, our teens, β and to live the lives that we really want to be living.
On that note, β never underestimate the power that you have as the parent. I'll see you next week.
