Ashley Chandler (00:00)
Welcome back to the Teenage Guide podcast. I'm Ashley Chandler, founder of The Teenage Guide, and I'm excited about today's episode.
It's really practical. We talk a lot about the two things that can help you solve any challenge. Cause I feel very strongly that so much of the world, not just parenting advice, but the world can be overcomplicated or feel that way.
When the rubber meets the road, when you know meltdowns are happening, arguments are happening, stress is extremely palpable in our homes. And so I wanna give you some really practical tips today and how to take the two things that are gonna make or break your life, relationships and skills, and start to parse through them, start to really build the scaffolding around them in order to have the best relationships.
and in order to build skills
And so underneath all of that is the rhythm, is your daily rhythm and routine.
The
practices that you fold into your routine from the moment you wake up throughout your day, the evening time when you see your teen when you go to bed, and then how that feeds into the next day.
So
that you can show up as present as possible, as regulated and balanced, even when the stress hits.
And
with some joy, right? Knowing that you are resourced,
Knowing that you have the ability to meet life and all its demands and requests and your teens moods and the stress from work or the stress from the news, knowing that you have the ability to meet that and
What I notice for parents who have the best results with this work, it's never the parents who don't really have a lot going on, right? Everyone's busy. We all live in this world that requires a lot from us. It is the parents who make a decision and prioritize the change or the skills or the time or the energy that's required of them.
To make that change, it starts to be the priority. They say no to certain things and they say yes to certain things. And then this decision allows for these rhythms to take hold. So much of running a business.
And being an entrepreneur for myself and also showing up in this work where I am very present with every single one of my clients, whether you're in my membership, whether you work with me privately, is it's a lot of energy and I'm very present. And I aim to be that way in all of my relationships as well. And in order to show up in that way.
I have to be extremely disciplined and almost boring and structured in my business, in my life, my personal life. I have to really set boundaries in a way where I support myself and I make certain things non-negotiable.
I'm to be sharing three things today that I invite you to consider non-negotiable. For real, I encourage you to make these non-negotiable so that you have the infrastructure in your life and the systems, the scaffolding, not as like a rigid checklist, but as a living structure that supports more freedom, more energy, and more time.
for the way that you actually want to be showing up and for that deeper connection with your teen and for your ability to be resilient when stuff hits the fan.
practice number one to make non-negotiable is your morning time.
Protect
you having quiet, regulated space first.
Every
morning, since I work for myself, I like to say I have a very demanding boss, right? I have to prioritize my morning. Now, so many of you listening
someone else may be your boss, and you have a company that's demanding certain guidelines, or you have a team that's requiring you to show up in a certain way once you get there.
So you may not have
the
exact same kind of time and energy considerations that I do. Okay. So this is a guideline. I will tell you that I consider every day rinse and repeat from the moment I wake up. My number one job when I wake up.
Is to get myself into the most empowered,
authentic,
regulated, meaning balanced, not calm necessarily, but balanced place possible. Because everything builds from that place.
So
before the noise of the day creeps in, before the stress of the emails, before the requests or the questions creep in.
or
the mental load of everything that's happening in the world or everything that's on my to-do list, I carve out intentional time for me.
There's
a window for you. I know there's a window for you too.
And
so many of us are either sleeping through it, skipping through it, immediately looking at our phone, immediately thinking, I don't have time for exercise, or I don't have time for sunlight, or I don't have time to be still and be quiet. And so we immediately jump to technology. We are being sucked into our phones or sucked into our to-do list.
Your
morning is where you set the frequency for your entire day. And I tell this to all my teens too. Now, they are influenced by other factors. We don't always have control over them. We never do. And so what we want to do is be the guide inside our own homes.
And
I'm not talking about a complicated hour-long ritual and routine where, you know, there's like fresh herbs and rosemary and sage. That's not what I mean. I mean keep it really simple.
I'll
give you an example of what I did yesterday. I woke up just feeling a little bit off. I was coughing in the night, accidentally left my window open when I slept. And when I do that, sometimes my throat gets irritated. Allergies can be really tricky, and especially because it's so dry. So I immediately woke up. I didn't get the best night's rest. I had a sore throat, and I could feel my energy was just a little bit off. I felt sluggish.
And of course getting the family out of the house and supporting them in their morning routine, whatever that looks like, and then taking care of myself is always a balancing act. And so the moment that they left, I carved out 15 minutes.
I
forget who used to say this. It may have been Tony Robbins, I've heard him say this, which is if you don't have 15 minutes for yourself, you don't have a life. And I believe that. It is so true. How are we using 15 minutes? How can we use 15 minutes to set us up to be in the most regulated, empowered, loving place possible to start our day? And so what I did is because I felt off, I
Elevated, I sat on my bed. This is gonna sound funny, but I laid on my bed and I elevated my feet up to where my feet were above my heart. That's actually really good for circulation. I did that. I turned on an extremely powerful meditation. It was kind of a hypnosis meditation.
Audio
in the background and I went through the process. That particular audio was just a few minutes. It wasn't a 30-minute meditation, it was just a few minutes. I elevated, I felt the sun on me, which can be really healing the morning light, and I did a little meditation. Now, some of you may that you may not resonate with that, which is fine. However, I encourage you to find a space to start your day where you can.
Be quiet. You can listen to the sounds of nature. You can feel the breeze. You can feel the morning light. This has a really powerful effect on setting our nervous systems for the day. And our, you know, people are talking about circadian rhythm, but there is a lot of really interesting, I find interesting.
Research to support the fact that when we don't look at the blue light first, when we aren't immediately plugged into the to technology from the moment we start our day, then we have the ability to sleep better and everything kind of feeds each other. Now, am I perfect at this 365 days a year? No, I am not. But on busy seasons that can be more stressful, especially when I'm feeling a little bit off, I'm gonna carve out.
five to ten minutes to be able to reset on the inside.
For
you, this may look like sitting, having your cup of coffee. Maybe to reduce stress, you do immediately check your phone, make sure there's nothing urgent, but then you put it away and you sit there and maybe you journal. Maybe you sit by a window, you're able to see the birds, you're able to feel the morning light.
It
might look like journaling. Again, I like to show my teens. I have a journal.
And I've never been a big journal like Dear Diary today. No. And I make a joke about this with all my clients. No. However, as I've gotten older, writing and journaling and brain dumping and doodling and drawing diagrams and all this, it's one of my most powerful tools. So sometimes in the morning I will do that. I call it my morning pages inside my Thrive membership. We have morning pages twice a month where we meet up and we journal together and we watch the sunrise and we connect and we aren't.
even talking. We're just making that space for ourselves. So maybe it looks like that for you with your precious morning cup of coffee or tea or matcha or whatever.
And
then this has become absolutely non-negotiable, especially in midlife, as we're getting bombarded with lots of information about perimenopause and menopause and bone density and brain health and all the things. It's movement. Do I want to move my body every day to start the day? No, I do not.
Do
I know it's gonna help me? Yes, I do. Am I fully committed and have I adopted the identity of someone who takes care of themselves and sets themselves up so that they can show up fully throughout the day? Yes, I have. And so I have made the decision and I encourage you to make the decision to make movement non-negotiable.
What
happens internally when we move is all the ideas, all the stress, all the emotions, the resentments, the triggers, the what-ifs, the anxiety that can often flood our morning starts to dissipate. It gets recycled in our energy. We can metabolize the stress. We can move it through when we move our body. And if you have dogs taking them on a walk, even if it's 15 minutes around the block.
And you connect with nature, you see green things, you are taking your dogs on a walk, which they love, and you can connect with something outside of your home or outside of your work for a snapshot of your day. It does wonders for your mental health.
for your regulation throughout the day and to de-stress you. it can sustain you throughout the whole entire day. So that is a huge non-negotiable. I also love this functional fitness workout. I will link it in the show notes. Essentially, back when my mom was still alive in the last few months of her life, I had to move her three times in two months just last fall, like about a year ago.
And it was so intense. I can't even tell you. And the day before I was moving her, I was moving too fast. And I was trying to be everything to everyone, like so many of us are. And I was doing all the things I'm talking about, but there were certain things that simply were were really hard. I couldn't stop helping my mom. I couldn't
have her not be having health challenges. And so there are certain seasons where you're carrying more than others. And that was happening for me. And so it was the day before I was going to move her into this new place. I fell down the stairs. I was walking up the stairs. I was trying to, I was frustrated with something else. I was trying to do too much too fast. I turned and I tripped over my own foot and I fell down like five stairs. And it was excruciating.
I still have foot issues. I have to go figure those out still. Okay. We're still dealing with this. I fell down the stairs. I had to wear a boot on moving day and for the next few months. And from there, I made a commitment to myself after she passed that I was prioritizing my health again. And I'm 47 years old.
I gotta take care of my body and I gotta take care of my health. Like no one else is gonna do it for me. So I started doing this workout, made it non-negotiable. I do it a handful of times a week, plus the dog walks, plus the hikes. I am not exaggerating when I say this will forever be non-negotiable for me. Rain, shine, snow, whatever the weather, there's no excuse. I know I'm gonna feel better. And so this is part of the structure.
That I have in my life to be able to set myself up to be the kindest, most compassionate, most capable person that I can for that day. And it trickles into everything. It trickles into the way I show up with you right now, trickles into the way I show up with my kids and for my clients.
So
protect your mornings. Go outside when you can. If you can't get in in the morning, go on a walk for your lunch break. If you don't have 15 minutes for yourself and your body, then you're not having a life.
Practice number two that is non-negotiable, the weekly family meeting.
This
one family meeting, when practiced consistently, sometimes some weeks are better than others, and sometimes it looks more like a quick check-in than it does a full-on 10-minute family meeting. But when you make it non-negotiable, it relieves so much stress as a family throughout the week.
So
once a week, preferably on a Sunday, to start your week, you get your family together. Not as a lecture, but
But
as a check-in and a reset.
And
it's really a ritual that communicates to each other. We're a team and everyone's playing on the team and everyone impacts each other. The decisions, the way we show up, we impact each other and we show up for each other too.
Inside
this meeting, you cover a few things.
Just
basics like the week ahead, What do we know is on the calendar? I've got a test on Thursday. I've got a big meeting, big presentation on Tuesday. I'm getting together with Christy and the girls on Thursday night, right? So you're looking at the week ahead as a family communicating these things and it's visual for people to see.
And
then you can identify where might I be stressed? Where might we need extra support or supplies or check-ins? I've got this project. I could, I think I'll probably need your help, mom. Even if they don't say it, it's on your radar. So you know to check in around it. and so when you have these conversations up front before the week takes hold, then in the moment.
If something were to happen, it's not last minute. Now, are there surprises all the time? Because we're working with teenagers and we're working with our midlife brains. Okay. We're human, we are imperfect. There's last minute stuff that falls through the cracks that we forget about. But with the intention of talking about as much as we can ahead of time, then we can really show up for each other and then have tools in the moment to troubleshoot or brainstorm or problem solve.
that don't feel so reactive. They feel supportive.
Adding
to that list is the menu for the week. This is something my family and I are really trying to get better at.
The
first thing I'm doing when I win the lottery is I'm getting a chef to help me menu plan. This has never been a huge strong suit for me.
And I'm really picky and everyone in my family is picky about food. So it's kind of a conundrum. We're working through it. I know so many families are better than others. And at the same time, we want to talk about food for the week. It can really help alleviate a lot of stress, especially for working families, and especially when you want your teenager to start to have some independence and maybe cook a little bit or maybe help plan or whatever. We can talk about what are we eating for lunch?
what's the dinner for this week for Monday night through Friday, right? What's our plan? Some people may be eating together and some people may be eating solo, depending on what schedules are. And then carving out maybe one night a week that we're actually doing family dinner makes a really big difference
It creates a touch point and a connection point. It also communicates to the family everyone matters. Again, no matter what your age is, no matter what you're going through, we are a unit. We are a family unit and we can depend on each other and we love coming back together.
It
builds the co-collaboration that I talk about all the time on this podcast and in my work. This is a way that you can build rhythm and structure into your day-to-day that can build the feeling of collaboration.
So
start small, might be five minutes, it might be 10 minutes, what are our needs for the week? What's our schedule? What's our menu? And might get shorter in the future. We might communicate it in different ways. The ability to do it, the skill of doing it compounds.
Practice
number three that is non negotiable is the evening brain dump. I actually got this from a business coach who talked about productivity tips in running her own business. And I find it really helpful in running a family, right? Like running my family's life and managing all the appointments and managing my own business and my own life. And then I've since applied it with my clients, and it works really well. And that is the evening
brain dump. So instead of carrying everything with you and then trying to get a good night's sleep and waking up at three in the morning being like, crap, I forgot about blah blah blah, brain dump it all before you try to go to sleep.
The
thing that can keep most parents up at night is not the problem itself, but it's the unprocessed emotions around it or the logistics around it.
the
mental loops, the, you know, the things that don't get resolved during the day. the worry that you carry around your teen that you haven't said out loud or you've said it out loud and you feel like you are a broken record and you're going to get it out again and you're going to write it again and you're going to make it a priority. You're making a decision. This is a focus.
So before bed, what I do here is my journal. It is a brain dump of so much stuff that is happening, it's not for anyone else. It's for me. It is the way that I practice, it's the way I encourage my clients to practice. If it's not this, maybe it's an audio record, maybe you send yourself a voicemail.
a
way to dump out the invisible, intangible stress that is circulating in your mind, in your body, and your spirit, so that you can release it and start to signal to your nervous system it's time to rest.
I
will deal with this tomorrow.
And we dim the lights in the house. We put on the white noise of the ocean in the background. That is like a trigger for our family. Okay. Everyone's winding down. Everyone's got different rhythms still. It's not like living with teens is like, and now we're going to bed holding hands together. No. people are staying up later than I want them to, managing homework, you know,
This sends a signal of what we do is we dim the lights, we turn on the ocean sounds, even if other things are happening, that rest time is near. We're we're reading, a few of us are reading in the house. We just have an evening routine that's coupled with the brain dump, coupled with a check-in. And it really helps us to kind of downshift into rest mode.
So that we get a great night's rest because that feeds in directly to the next day to the morning routine and our ability to savor that morning space and time.
So
a few additional practices worth naming. I'm not going to go into detail. I once recorded an episode called The Most Important Nine Minutes of the Day with your teen. It's the first three minutes that you see them when they wake up. It's the first three minutes you see them after school or after work. And it's the last three minutes you're with them before bed. And so you can apply some of these practices in there as well. Just remember those touch points really matter. Like as they get older, we have less and less time with them.
And we still want to make sure that we're investing that time that we do have with them in really intentional ways that are loving or productive or, you know, real. They're authentic. They're vulnerable. They are when we're sharing our day. They're when we're doing a lot of listening or opening up or having hard conversations.
And then another one is protecting one time a week at least that is just for you. Because if you're listening to this, chances are you have aging parents, you are in a midlife season of your own. You are managing possible work and spinning plates and running the family and doing all these things. And now you're listening to this episode and you're thinking, Great, Ashley, now I have to.
Build in my morning routine. And no, that's that's not what I want you to take away from this. Okay. I want you to look and think of this episode and really feel the intention. Is that when you create this kind of structure, it might be boring. It might seem like another to-do, but it opens up so much more freedom. It opens up spaciousness. So you get out of the hamster wheel cycle. And so the final invitation is for you to preserve.
One moment a week that is just for you. No one else. And you get to do whatever the hell you want to do. Whatever it is that's going to help you really genuinely feel better. Maybe not numb out. Maybe it's not something that is just about feeling better, but you know it's going to feed your soul.
You
cannot pour from a depleted cup. You just can't do it. And pouring into yourself is one of the most selfless things you can do because essentially you're investing in everyone else in your life.
So
here are the three practices from the beginning. Morning time, make it intentional. Movement, it's non-negotiable.
And
your evening brain dump. Get that stress out on paper. Get all that invisible stuff that's swirling around in your mind out on paper.
in an audio recorder so that you don't carry it with you into a good night's rest.
None
of these require perfection or the perfect schedule or endless amounts of time. They require you to make a decision and be intentional.
And
they create possibility and more connection in your relationship. They create more opportunity in you and your teen being able to practice the skills that create change in your lives.
And
to open up more presence in the downtime, less reactivity, less yelling, more, huh? What am I making this mean? More care for yourself, more presence and joy in your life. And isn't that what this is all about? For you to be able to really experience your life. I think so.
If
you want more support and more ideas like this and actually making change in you and your teens' lives, I want to encourage you to click the links in the show notes where you can find out all the information on the ways that you can work with me. I call it Thrive Three Ways.
I've got my community for parents of teens.
what
I call the Sprint Coaching Package,
and
then coaching containers, which are highly customizable to meet you and your teen's needs for a particular season.
You
can also go to the teenageguide.com forward slash work with Ashley.
As
always, never underestimate the power that you have as the parent. I'll see you next week.
