Ashley Chandler (02:52)
I'm so excited. I just looked on the analytics, essentially like the back end of the podcast. And I'm not naturally a big analytics or data person. but when you have your own business and you have your own podcast, it's good to look at those things until you can have someone who looks at them for you. And so I just saw that.
I have over 10,000 downloads officially. I'm so excited. Thank you so much to those of you who are regular listeners and supporters, and you share this podcast with other parents and families, and and you're creating a very real ripple effect. So I'm super grateful that you are tuning in and listening to the Teenage Guide podcast. Welcome back to this week.
So it's really interesting because so many of the things that I practice in my work and coach parents through are tools that oftentimes can feel, you know, when you're good at something, it can feel like, well, yeah, I'm just kind of good at that. But you have to
peel back and understand why you're good at it and what makes you good at it and understand the process behind it. I know there are so many of you out there who are very good at things that I would never be good at. And if you were to have to take them apart and understand exactly what you do and describe it and teach it and explain it, it is an interesting challenge to go through. And I find that I
do that every day.
I'm like a teenager magnet. They tell me things and open up to me, and whether that's my clients or teenagers I see just in my community or my kids' friends or whatever. And I absolutely love it. And I was thinking about what makes me good with teenagers. And everything that I share here on the podcast, I think is part of that. I just understand them, I speak their language.
I also speak parent and I know the very real lived reality of what it means to be a parent of a tween and a teen in 2026 at the time of this recording, to have aging parents. I have shared multiple times that I was essentially a part-time caretaker for my mom.
And she passed a year ago, but that would that visceral journey sticks with me. And just what it's like to be a perimenopausal, late 40s woman in today's world and mother and parent. I'm just I I'm in both worlds. And I share that for context because I think when you're good at something, you might take for granted why.
Or you just don't recognize that it's a gift or a skill, and you want people to understand maybe how to do it. And I thought that I could kind of peel back the curtain today and share with you some of the things, the patterns that I see, and that I notice that teenagers are talking about and telling me and opening up, and some simple questions to ponder and to reflect on for yourself.
And to notice in my own coaching practice with parents and
I try to not ever come from the vantage point of you need to do this, right? Everything is an invitation to explore or to experiment or to observe or to become aware of, especially in the beginning. It's an it's a practice that just continues to evolve.
And we're all so wrapped up in our to-dos all the time that to practice our to be's is a different invitation. And this is the work of becoming the teenage guide. So one of the patterns that I notice that teens oftentimes come to me and they want to talk or they vent about
Is that they oftentimes do not open up to the adults in their lives because they don't think that you can handle it. And they don't want to have to be responsible for your reaction or your response.
And that is a very, very common pattern. Maybe some of that is they don't want to be in trouble, which is valid. But another piece of it is just feeling like they can process something or express something or talk about something or share anything without your input. Maybe sometimes they want your input, but mostly.
They really want you to listen and just let them process how they're gonna process without trying to change it. And so the question there, the invitation there is to observe, maybe reflect on just your experience of living and parenting in the last week.
And notice if you can sense there's tension with your teenager or they're not talking as much or they're holed up in their room or whatever. And notice your response to that.
Notice
your perception about it, first of all, you know, if you start immediately getting angry or annoyed or worried and
You know, this the simple suggestion is to even just ask them to sometimes you not tell me things or open up because you're worried about how I will respond and handle it. And and maybe preface that with whatever you say, you're not going to be in trouble. I want you to be honest and see what they say. You know, what I
am constantly amazed by with this generation of teenagers is how insightful and wise they are and how much they are holding maybe in ways that we are not aware of. So that's the first one is to notice how you respond, handle, perceive
if they are moody or they retreat or they are bottled up or whatever and invite just really natural discussion, see what happens. And if they don't respond right away, let it lie. You don't have to press it and see if it would come up again, you know.
Once we open the door to those kinds of conversations, but we don't push and it's not a point of stress, like, well, tell me, well, tell me, right? We back off and we let them come to us. It's amazing how many doors that will open in terms of a real authentic connection. So that's the first pattern that I notice.
The second pattern that I notice with a lot of parents and teens, and this is really important, this is truly one of the foundational guidelines and boundaries that I set in the very beginning when I work with families, which is from here on out, our practice is to not take sides. So we're not.
constantly in the energy and the position of I'm right and you're wrong, no matter what, no matter who it is. And one of the blocks I know that a lot of parents have when they because I know so many of you listening to this right now are feeling challenged. And this may apply to you, that the reason that you have not signed up for coaching privately with me yet.
Is because your partner is the problem, or your partner is the bottleneck, or you may try everything you can, but they come in and they have a very different experience or reaction or response to your teenager, and you are left kind of cleaning that up, so to speak, right? If you can. And I have many thoughts about that. I will say
that even if one of you is getting coaching, the other one is gonna see the benefits of it over time if their eyes are open and their hearts open and they are practicing even a small fraction of the tools. and so it's always beneficial. It is always beneficial to sign up. So I will say that. Secondly,
A big thing, a big rule I have again is that we don't take sides, and with that comes watching the language that we use about each other in the house. A lot of teens will come to me and keep in mind this is their identity formation stage. And they will have a have a feeling about themselves that oftentimes stems.
From
a feeling that one of you have about yourself, or that you may have about your partner. And they're separating from you, yes, but I get a lot of like, that's just like dad, or I remember when mom went through that, or whatever. And so I think what I'm trying to say is to just notice the ways that we say that we're like each other or
they're gonna follow a similar path.
And Practice reminding them that they are their own person. And you watch the language that you use. You don't talk negatively or poorly about anyone else in the family in fr to each other.
I've coached many families, maybe of divorce or separation. the parents are separated or divorced and or not, and they are together, but they're in conflict. And one of my very hard and fast rules is that we do not talk negatively about each other, especially in front of the kids.
And the number one reason is because of their identity. Because they do naturally start to kind of decipher little bits and pieces of who they're like in the family. And we want to make sure that the perception and the beliefs and the identity that they have about themselves can from here on out hit reset.
So if you can relate to this particular one and you think, crap, I we've already been doing that. And that just means like more guilt, more shame piled on top. I encourage you to release that. And hear my words right now and let them pierce your heart that
It's never too late. And sometimes the repair can be even more powerful than had you gotten it right. And so taking ownership and accountability, if you can relate to this, is really powerful. And I highly encourage that you do that. And that you say, We're not gonna do that anymore in this family. We're not gonna we're not gonna talk negatively. And you know, we don't have control over everyone else. I don't have control over your dad, or I don't have control over your mom.
But I do have control over myself and words matter. And I'm not gonna do that anymore. And then back it up with action. So that's number two. Watch the words that you say, watch how you compare yourselves to your kids and vice versa, or them to each other. And and this is the invitation to reset and not talk negatively, not compare.
Because
what I hear from teens a lot is that's their inner dialogue. They will make comments about themselves in comparison to you or to dad or to their sibling, or they'll have a narrative about one of you because the other one is declaring it, So we really want to encourage.
our own critical thinking and our own experiences and non-judgment inside the house.
And the final pattern that I want to call out here today in today's episode is in a similar vein. It's really interesting because I am a firm believer and I coach people through this all the time. and you've heard me say this a lot if you've been listening to this podcast for a while. Everything in our lives is a reflection of our experience of ourselves.
And body image is really, really big in the teen years. They are constantly looking, just naturally looking outside of themselves for validation. And so they want to be prettier or they want to be more muscly or they wanna have the right haircut or the right clothes or
If they don't have those things, they might be looking outside of themselves for like what's cool. And if they're not, they still are looking at their bodies, right? And their bodies are changing. And all the things are happening automatically just with their growth and their external appearance.
And
one time I was running a program and I had a really cool activity where each kid was given a separate sheet of paper, like little strip of paper, and then we put all the strips together and it kind of made a little poem. And the prompt was something you wish you could say out loud. And this one girl wrote,
I wish my mom cared about more than what her body looked like.
And
that was such a a light bulb, heart wrenching thing to hear. but it's so true.
I mean, we just as women alone are fed messages all day long about how we can improve our skin, our face, our wrinkles, our teeth, our hair strands, our but, you know, like the the list goes on.
It's a lot of external beauty emphasis. But what I notice is that teenage boys really have this too. And there's a lot of teenage boys who, you know, might be late bloomers in certain ways. And their body is changing too. or not yet. And they're comparing themselves because you have to be a certain height and you have to be a certain build. And it's a lot of focus on.
External appearances. This is just the culture that we live in. this challenge does not discriminate between, you know, stereotypical beauty to, you know, someone who might not have.
gone through puberty yet. Like it really runs the gamut of who experiences this. Every single teenager I've ever worked with in some way, shape, or form, has something that they've been challenged by in this regard. And they'll tell me about it. And they open up, maybe not, you know, over the top talking about it, but it ends up coming out in certain ways. And so the invitation for you today.
is to consider the ways that you perceive your own body, your own skin, your own hair, your teeth, the way you look at yourself and treat yourself from the outside, the inner voice for you, the things you say about your body in front of your kids, the emphasis you put on appearance.
And how even if you don't think you're doing that to your teen, that message, what that sends to them. And you know, it's natural. Like I I I am a I walk a fine line because
I think that, what I look like is not who I am. And that's the really important thing to remember. What I look like is a result of genetics. And it is how I take care of myself now, It's how I take care of what I was given.
And the same goes for all of you. So the emphasis is on health and well-being and reminding them that they are beautiful in all the ways. I think it would go farther than many of you might even realize. And if someone hasn't told you that you're beautiful today, I'm here to tell you that. And I think that it's so important to remember.
How much pressure our teenagers and us, how much pressure we're getting to look a certain way, no matter what age we are, and remind ourselves where true beauty comes from. Period. So I thought I would share those three patterns. We've got opening up.
You know, if you notice that your teens not opening up, invite that discussion. Notice the words and the language and the comparison. And then notice the ways that you treat your body and the ways that you talk about your body. These are three patterns I noticed that come up a lot with teens. And I know that at the end of the day, if you're listening to this podcast, you are going to receive these invitations. I am so, again, so grateful that you're here with me.
I know it's such a busy time for all of us. And it's not adding more to your plate, to your to-do list. It's always an invitation to go inward, slow down.
Become aware and have the best relationship with yourself and with them possible. On that note, you already heard about my fall sprint in the intro message. And I just wanted to follow up here. I have a few spots available for this fall that are left.
And it is the best experience. I am loving the results coming out of these false prints. It's six coaching sessions, really big results for parents individually and for teens, and you can customize it depending on what your needs and your goals and your wishes are. And it's such a gift and an honor to support families in truly living better lives with each other.
On that note, I want you to remember that it's never too late and never underestimate the power that you have as the parent. I'll see you next week.
