Repair After Breakdown- How The RELATE Method Can Help

Here's the truth: I really didn't want to tell this story. Mostly because it's hard to share, but also because I know that most parents have been through some version of it.

But I figured that maybe hearing this story about a mom who lost her S%$! might help you begin to: 

• Take better care of yourself
• Heal what needs to be healed
• And reveal the real you to your middle schooler

The morning bell rung as I was walking into the elementary school I was working at. No one was around, except for a car pulled into the parking lot. As I was making my way to the door I heard screaming coming from the lone car. I looked in that direction and saw a mom barge out of the car and physically drag her daughter out. The daughter was crying and shouting, "Mommy, no!" As soon as the daughter was out of the car the mom got right back into the car on the driver's side, and the daughter got back into the backseat. Then I heard the mom yell some expletives @#$%!!

I paused for a moment, so rattled. I was unsure of what I had just seen and wondered what to do. I was so upset I ran into the school and got the Principal involved to ensure the student got the care she needed (the situation didn't escalate and the daughter did end up coming into school).

After relaying the story to the Principle, I ran into the counselor's office and cried. I cried for the student and how traumatizing that whole situation must have been for her, and I also wondered how many times it had happened before.

And I cried for the mom who just completely lost it. I thought about what must have been going on for her to lead to that kind of behavior. She was acting out of reaction and likely her own past. I'm sure she felt horrible, and/or it was a toxic, traumatizing pattern she needed to break. She needed help.

Maybe not in the exact same way, but I wonder... have you ever been like the mom in the parking lot, and you just snapped and lost it?

I thought about this story several times as I was creating The RELATE Method (TRM). We all have past experiences that have caused some form of lasting trauma, and if we, parents, are unable to heal these experiences then they will show their nasty heads in ways very similar to the mom and her daughter. This is why I created the first step in TRM to be Reveal the Real You.

To Reveal is to heal your past and support yourself and your needs in the present. This way you can show up in your daily life as your best, most authentic self. It's also the first step in strengthening your relationship with your middle schooler. Through vulnerability you can heal and through healing you can break the traumatic patters you might not even know are being passed down to your adolescent.

The single decision to Reveal the Real You makes a lifetime of difference. When you focus on building yourself up from the inside out, you model the same thing to your kid, and they are able to develop an inner world that is unstoppable.

I don't know what the circumstances were that create the scene I witnessed in the school parking lot, but I do know that had the mom had the right tools they could have gotten through the situation with a lot more ease, and ultimately, connection. A moment of vulnerability for what is coming up and why can completely change the outcome of breakdown. That's not to say revealing the real you will help you avoid breakdowns but it will help create a stronger bond in the process of repair. 

I'd love to share what else The RELATE Method has to offer. Click here to discover more tools to build an unbreakable bond with your early adolescent.

It's made for you with love in mind, because in all my years as a human and educator, I've seen time and time again how much suffering comes from our inability to RELATE.

I believe middle school really can be the best years between you. 

I'm with you all the way, 

~Ashley Chandler 

CEO & Founder of Elevated Adolescence