Building Deeper Connections and Joy with your Adolescent 

Puberty is fast approaching and sometimes it feels like your adolescent couldn’t be further away from you (hello adolescent brain). And as a parent it can be crushing to not be able to hug and hold your babies as you once did. So how do you keep a strong connection and bond with your middle schooler, while also letting them become their own person? Well, what if I told you that it could be as easy as that; let them become their own person.

This week’s topic is near and dear to how I approach deepening connections with all kids, including my own. So, I have carefully broken down my approach into 4 simple steps.

Step #1: See Them for Who They Are: 

My first job as a mother and educator, and the secret to working well with early adolescents, is to practice seeing them for exactly who they are. I do this by first understanding their temperament. There are nine characteristics of temperament, which are mostly personality characteristics that someone is born with and indicate how they interact with the world.  

However, there are ways in which family, environment, and culture can influence their temperament or allow certain personality traits to be stronger than others. For example, your kid may naturally be a distracted person and when you put them in an environment where there are a lot of noises and things to look at, their distraction level increases.

Take a moment to observe these kinds of temperaments in your adolescent. Is your middle schooler highly active or highly sensitive? (I have two highly sensitive kids so I relate!) Are they distracted easily? Do they require a strict schedule to function well or are they highly adaptable? 

When you practice ‘seeing them’, watch yourself and your own projections or ideas of how they should be. As hard as it is, try and see them the way a scientist might observe them; with curiosity and without judgment. This idea is similar to what I talk about for improving self-regulation. Watch for their personal rhythms, ways of expressing themselves, personal triggers of frustration and what truly makes them happy.

Once you practice seeing them for exactly who they are, including their temperament, you can improve the ways in which you communicate and connect in order to bring out the best in your kid. 

Step #2: See What They See: 

Practice seeing the world through their eyes. Get curious and interested in what they’re interested in. Ask open ended questions (ones that can’t be answered with yes or no) inviting discussion around things they enjoy and ask for their input and opinions not because you have to, but because you want to.  

Maybe they’re into video games. Sit with them and try to understand why. Play games with them!

Maybe they’re into fashion or science. Whatever it is, practice connecting with them as if they’re the 'expert' and you have something to learn from them, instead of you being the authority. 

When you practice seeing the world as they do, you’ll develop more empathy and connection around their experience.

Step #3: Let Them See You

This isn’t a one-sided relationship. You're your own person and your kid should understand that. Remember to objectively share your point of view, your interests and curiosities. It’s important for your adolescent to feel connected to you because of who you are too.  

Model traits that you want them to learn from you. Like how you prioritize taking care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. When they see the most influential adults in their lives valuing themselves, they learn the importance of confidence and self-respect. 

And, as you let them see you, remember to demand to be seen. Explicitly ask for what you need to be healthy and happy. By doing so, you’re strengthening your relationship to be a true partnership based on mutual respect and unconditional love.

Step #4: Let Them Be 

Let them be doesn’t mean ‘leave them alone’. It’s all about embracing their individuality. Remember they are another human being with unique gifts and experiences in the world.  

Encourage them to create, express, and connect using their skill set and perspective. 

If you start really appreciating them for their individuality, and you’re patient and present with their process, you’ll invite deeper connection. Instead of projecting onto them who you want them to be, let them show up with who they want to be.

So have this be your mantra going into the new week: 

See them for who they are.

See what they see

Let them see you.

Let them be! 

And never forget: middle schoolers are the most unstoppable, compassionate humans on the planet and are exactly what the world needs. Until next week, be well!  

If you would rather watch today's topic, check out my video on YouTube!

~Ashley Chandler 

CEO & Founder of Elevated Adolescents