How to Pick the Right Friend Group in Middle School

If you’re new to Ask Ashley then welcome! I’m Ashley Chandler, and as an educator with over 15 years of experience I know a thing or two about early adolescent kids and that they listen to their peers a little more than adults. So, this is my way of elevating their voices of wisdom, hope, creativity, and empathy, as well as providing research and actionable tips to boost essential skills for the whole family.

I want to start by acknowledging the much-needed revolution happening in the United States and around the world.  The systemic racism that exists has been here as long as our country.  I don’t know about you, but I didn’t learn about black history growing up, so I’ve been on a mission to educate myself fully, which is a privilege in and of itself (as opposed to experiencing racism first hand). 

If you’re reading this and you’ve experienced racism, I’m deeply sorry.  I’ll never truly know, but I stand with you.  If you’re reading this and you think you’re too young to make a difference in revolutionizing this country, I invite you to check out some young people in the media. 

I’ve listed some in the EA social media account ( @elevatedadolescence ).

The peaceful protests are already leading to change! Recent posts have highlighted important voices in the black community, and we’ll continue to highlight everyday heroes who are using their voice to galvanize their community and make powerful change. 

Listen, life as we knew it pre-coronavirus is over.  Now is the time to come together, to listen deeply, to learn, and to grow.  Seek out voices of color and educate yourself to be actively anti-racist so we can live in a country where justice and liberty for all is a reality.  

So, pivoting to today’s question, I want to acknowledge the parallel connection between what is going on and this week’s topic and that is the basic human right to be free to be yourself. 

You can listen to the podcast or keep reading below.

 Today’s question comes from Yoe, a 5th grader transitioning into middle school. This is the question she had:   

“What do I do if one group of friends wants me to hang out with them, and another group wants me to hang out with them? I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.” 

You’re not alone, Yeo. In fact, Blythe, a 6th grader has some excellent advice from when she was faced with the same question. She says: 

“I recommend trying to figure out which group you feel more comfortable with and which group you get to be more of yourself with.  If you like both groups, then explain that to them. Some people don’t like being told that and that is when you can learn who a good friend is and who a not-so-good friend is.”

I love this because Blythe is exactly right! You start with you, then you communicate with your other friends. I call this becoming your own BFF.  

When you celebrate yourself for exactly who you are, you follow your own curiosities, you’ll attract the right friend group for you - and if the other friends are upset, you’ll communicate with them.  Here is a simple 3 step process to help guide you.

Step 1: Go Within

Go within means to get still and go inside your own self, your own heart and mind.  Develop self-awareness so that you understand who you are and what you enjoy.  Now, this takes time, and you’ll go through many times in life where this will change, but at each stage consider answering the following questions: 

1. What do I get excited about? What lights me up? What do I enjoy? Your interests and curiosities are on purpose, and you’ll often find a friend on the other side of following your passion.  When you find those friends, make sure you also ask….
2. How do I feel when I’m around them? Do you notice some people make you anxious and you feel like you can’t be your full self? While others you feel relaxed and happy around? These are clues for you to follow that lead you to the right friend groups. (Notice I said Groups here...hint hint)

Step 2: Communicate 

There are many ways to communicate, and you want to practice two.  Verbal (means talking) and Non-verbal (All the actions that communicate without saying anything).  

For example: Let’s say you have a really, really good friend who gets upset when you have other friends.  The first thing you want to do is go within and ask yourself if he/she is truly a good friend and they bring out the best in you. If the answer is yes, you want to observe your friend.  Are they highly-sensitive, or do they have different rules for friendship? Do they have more than you as a friend?  Try to understand this friend more so that you can meet them where they are.  

The next part of communication is to speak up. 

Here’s a simple script: 

You know you’re an important friend to me. And, I also think it’s fun to make new friends.  This doesn’t mean you’re less of a friend or I don’t like you anymore.  I just enjoy people and I’m excited to meet new people.  Maybe they could be your friends, too!

Step 3: Accept

Accept when you’ve done the inner work, and you’re communicating to them that you care, you’ve done everything you can. When you take this road to friendship, and you truly are your own best friend first, you must remember you can’t control anyone else’s behavior or the way they think.  

This won’t be easy if the other person is upset and you care about them, but trust me when I say: you are on the right track for you...and this will give you a boost of confidence to know that you’re attracting the right kind of friends who lift you up. Sometimes this takes time, so don’t settle or rush into a friendship just because you feel like you should. 

Pay attention to YOU first, and all the friendship puzzle pieces will fall into place. Having one true friend is better than having a group of fake ones. You’re worth the time it takes to build up true friendships...and in middle school, those frequently happen in different groups! 

Make sure you don’t miss the Ask Ashley blog and podcast - same time, same place.  If you liked what was shared today please be sure to follow Elevated Adolescents on social media and visit our website at elevatedadolesence.com. You can also sign up to get our newsletter so you can stay in the loop for the Ask Ashley podcast and EA programs.

Remember, we’re in this together, and because of what you’re going through - you’re stronger forever.

-Ashley