It's Time to Get Real
Getting Real is the Key to Connection
In this age of technology and of constant communication, research shows that people have never felt more alone, anxious, and depressed. You would think with all of the ways in which we seemingly connect it would be the opposite.
But, unless technology is allowing for authenticity there is no connection.
Almost a decade ago, I found myself sitting alone with a baby...a lot. I felt isolated being surrounded by a lot of 'rich' people who seemed to have it all. I was 100% smitten with my daughter, but we barely had enough money to put paint on the walls.
I felt poor and lonely.
I sat on the couch, nursing and scrolling Facebook (a fairly new thing at the time). It felt like each post rotated between moms with 6-pack abs (mine were hidden under postpartum belly). They had perfect families with perfect children going on perfect vacations. I had literally just rolled my eyes at my husband behind his back, and I was stuck at home.
Everything in everyone else's life seemed perfect, perfect, perfect. So, naturally, I would try to make mine perfect, too. Maybe then my abs and vacations would appear.
I made all the baby food.
I showered. I put on make-up. (You know how big these things are with a newborn!)
I checked things off a to-do list that were supposed to help.
Well, clearly this whole perfect thing was a big, fat failure. Facebook was really just adding fuel to the fire of the story I'd been telling myself around perfectionism being the answer to my problems.
At the same time, I was starting to tutor kids in the neighborhood while my daughter napped. I had hired this wonderful woman to babysit: a friend of a friend who happened to be 70 years old and absolutely smitten with my baby.
After a few weeks, I found myself inviting her over earlier than I needed her so we could just connect. Hearing her stories about all the stages of life she had lived through was like food for my soul. Her stories were giving me permission to be real and to heal....to feel truly rich.
Fast forward to today and it's no surprise social media played a role in my anxiety and insecurity. We're seeing it play out in the mental health crisis our adolescent kids are facing. And, we've actually got the research everywhere to back up that vulnerability and authenticity are the true gateways to connection. Thank you, Brene Brown.
So I want to ask you, parents:
What parts of yourself are you hiding from your middle schoolers?
How are you shielding them from the real you? Are you trying to look / be / demonstrate perfection or to keep things stable because you want to keep the peace?
It's time for you to get real.
If your middle schooler isn't opening up to you, ask yourself:
"Am I opening up to them?"
If their inner world is a mystery to you, unfortunately so is their pain, anxiety, depression, and isolation. And, I know that's not what you want.
By being fake and 'fine' when you're not, you're modeling to your middle schooler to do the same. They are learning to cover up. To deny themselves, their feelings, and their voice.
Now I realize this might not be the full picture of what is going on but stick with me.
Flashback to when you were in middle school. I bet a pain point that comes up is feeling awkward within your inner world. Trying to appear 'perfect', but feeling unsure about yourself, your body, your interests, your quirks. You just wanted to be liked and blend in.
This is exactly what's happening for your kid, only they have social media and technology adding fuel to that fire. All of this is perpetuating the myth that there's some perfect formula out there they just need to find in order for them to feel better.
So, what's the antidote to this negative cycle?
Be an example for them at home. Show them that being real is more important than getting 'likes'. Seek out influential mentors or peers who are also being authentic and not covering the "imperfect" sides of themselves.
By showing them the real you, you model connection and acceptance in action.
And, another super nice "rich" by-product? You build a deeper and stronger bond.
So, parents, share who you really are. Share your stories, quirks, feelings, hardships, and triumphs. They may roll their eyes, but it's actually what they're craving.
You're planting seeds of authenticity that will last a lifetime.
Watch this week's video and share in the comments one thing you'll do to share more of your real self with your middle schooler.
And never forget: middle schoolers are the most unstoppable, compassionate humans on the planet and are exactly what the world needs. Until next week, be well!
~Ashley Chandler
CEO & Founder of Elevated Adolescence
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