Teaching your Adolescent to Thrive Through Change  

I’m so excited to be back with you all this week, as our country and our world are navigating such huge changes: politically, socially, academically, not to mention the changes we’re navigating in the midst of COVID-19. 

Thriving through change can frequently boil down to temperament.  Some people are just better at it than others.  But, I challenge you to think of it as a skill you can help your adolescent develop (and maybe you get better alongside them)

We’re all FORCED to go through changes, it's the one thing we can count on. So here are 3 simple steps to practice and model at home with your middle schooler when navigating a change that feels challenging. 

Step #1: Practice acceptance

You must accept what is and acknowledge your reality.  Wishing something was different will only create feelings of frustration or anger which strip you from your internal power. What we resist is what persists!

Instead, focus on the facts: 

• You are here because the past led to this point.
• You can’t change what’s already happened, you can only control how you react to it and the actions you take in the future.
• Get into the present moment. Take some deep breaths, do a quick body scan, physically touch something in your environment (tapping your leg), focus on something you see in your immediate viewpoint, get fresh air or change your environment.
• Be kind to yourself for whatever feelings pop up and try not to make a story about how you're feeling or why. Instead let them wash over you and away like a wave.
• Parents, it’s incredibly important to empathize (don’t sympathize) with your middle schooler. Start by seeing them for who they are (I explain how to do this in my post on building deeper connections with your teen). Mirror back to them what they are saying, but model yourself accepting the situation. You can read the previous bullet points aloud as a place to start!

Step #2: Poke holes in the dark (see the possibilities) 

When change happens it feels challenging (big tip, change is rarely easy, just the way we react to it gets easier). Once you’ve practiced acceptance (an ongoing process), imagine you’re holding a piece of black construction paper to a light.  You can’t see the light yet but you know it's there behind the paper. Imagine yourself begin to poke holes in the paper that's blocking the light and watch how it shines through. The black paper is our resistance to change, when we poke holes in that resistance we begin to notice the possibilities, the light, in the midst of the dark. The best way to start to poke wholes is to practice gratitude.

What are you grateful for right now? Maybe it’s not related to the change, it doesn't have to be. Just start somewhere.

Then start to think about what you are grateful for around the situation. If you’re having trouble recognizing what’s beneficial for your kid or you, how could this be a positive thing for someone or something else? Sometimes imagining what someone else would be grateful for in the same situation helps us to connect to that feeling. 

Practicing gratitude shows significant results and real neurological benefits.  Not only does it help remind your middle schooler of the good things going for them right now, but over time it improves self-esteem, mental health and cognitive flexibility. All three of these things are top indicators of true success and fulfillment over the course of their lives.

Finding gratitude in times of change is an ongoing process that you commit to. You may not be grateful for any of this now, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be grateful down the line. Parents, make a point to subtly point out or help your middle schooler notice the benefits of the change as time goes on.

Step #3: See the situation from the other side. ‘I wonder’ statements...

I wonder what the Earth looks like to aliens. I wonder if we all see colors the same. I wonder what it would be like to go to that school…

Practice wondering about this change from another angle.  Approach this process with a sense of curiosity rather than judgement.  Pretend you don’t know enough to be negative and simply view the situation from another perspective.

I wonder how this change could benefit me?

I wonder if it’s actually happening for me?  

This process allows you and your adolescent to develop self-awareness and empathy.  Maybe the change you’re about to embark on really IS an opportunity for you. 

Being in a state of wonder also melds with gratitude and acceptance and connects us to an underlying knowing that where you’ve been has led you to this point and you are so strong. You can navigate change with courage!

I challenge you to approach this change with curiosity and commitment instead of fear and remember these steps:

~Practice acceptance

~Poke holes in the dark

~See the Earth as an alien

And never forget: middle schoolers are the most unstoppable, compassionate humans on the planet and are exactly what the world needs. Until next week, be well!  

If you would rather watch today's topic, check out my video on Youtube!

~Ashley Chandler 

CEO & Founder of Elevated Adolescents