Redefining Parenting During the Adolescent Years
Parenting is the one full-time "job" that doesn't come with a guidebook or any training days, and this is especially true for raising an early adolescent.
In the early years of parenting, it's a big leap of faith. It becomes about reading the next best parenting book, trying to filter through the endless dos and don'ts, and finding information that you can apply to your life. After the initial speedbumps, you think you're getting the hang of it; you can understand their signs and signals, you've found a rhythm that works. And then they turn 12.
Suddenly your child who you've spent years understanding has become practically a stranger to you. You're not sure what they need because they've stopped telling you everything. The things they used to love, they claim to have never liked in the first place. You're finding it harder and harder to relate to them in the way you once did and all of your parenting tricks you spent years perfecting have completely gone out the window. And there you are again, in the place of the unknown, being asked to take another leap of faith. And let me tell you something:
Take the leap because your experiences of raising an early adolescent are completely NORMAL! And the more you resist or try to "get back to how things were", the more challenges you and your middle schooler will face.
Sure, adolescence is a time of real change and that can feel uncomfortable, but don't let your discomfort get in the way of making these years some of the best yet. I believe that middle school is a time to redefine your role as a parent, it's an opportunity for you BOTH to find new ways of being in your relationship with each other and in how you express yourself in the world.
Up until now, you have been a manager for your kid's life, involved in everything they do from start to finish. And that is no easy thing, so take a moment to acknowledge the dedication and love you have poured into your parenting. But now, you have permission to take a step back. They are still a kid, so of course, they need you to be present, supportive, and involved in their everyday life but think of your role as more of a guide. Instead of doing everything for them, you're now showing them how to do those things for themselves. Independence can be one of the most challenging things about adolescence, but it is also one of the biggest gifts for both of you. Independence is a must for their development, and it's also a must for your heart, mind, and soul. Let me tell you why...
Why changing your role as a parent will change your life.
With all of the constant messaging that parents get (especially moms), about how they should be parenting their kids, it's hard not to get attached to a specific way of doing things. But honestly, this "should" mentality is toxic. Not only does it put immense pressure on you, parents, but it also creates an unrealistic expectation of what your kid needs in order to be happy, fulfilled, challenged, etc. The answer to all of that is simple, all they need is YOU. Sound cheesy? Maybe a little bit, I'll allow you an eye roll, but believe me, it couldn't be more true.
Despite what your middle schooler's behavior might be telling you, they look to you for everything. They are paying attention to your actions more than your words and they rely on you to give them a roadmap to defining their worldview. This is what I mean when I say your role as a parent is shifting towards being a guide during these adolescent years. You are guiding them towards good decision-making skills, high self-esteem, motivation, self-regulation, effective communication, strong morals, and family values. These aren't things you can explain one time and they'll get it. These types of skills require time, consistency, and guidance through your own behavior. So yes, all your middle schooler truly needs is you. And the way to guarantee they get the best version of you? Prioritizing your own needs.
Whoa, hold up. What a concept right? Yes, prioritizing yourself and your needs actually make you a better parent and avoids parental burnout. Despite what society might be telling you, it's not ok to be stretched so thin that every day feels like a race to the end. Shifting the way you approach your parenting with your middle schooler will give you the space to breathe deep and refill those parts of yourself that maybe you've been out of touch with for a while. It will also model to your adolescent what taking care of yourself looks like. It will help them lay a strong foundation and understanding of what it means to nurture and nourish every part of themselves.
As your adolescent gains more independence you can gain more freedom. Your kid needs less of your management, they can start to share the responsibility in their schedule, time management, organization; things that would normally fall to you to figure out. If you feel like you're adolescent isn't there yet, or needs more time practicing these skills, check out this amazing Executive Function 101 guide. But the point is, they are likely begging for more freedom and independence themselves and this shift can be an opportunity for you to do the same. They gain the benefit of strengthening their executive function skills, developing a sense of independence, and ultimately trust with you. Parents, you get the benefit of time, energy, and creativity, as well as being a healthy role model for your middle schooler.
You don't have to swing the pendulum and go MIA for days taking care of yourself. This is a process so be patient and easy with yourself. Start by discovering what it is that gives back to you, what fills you with energy, what soothes your heart, what replenishes the fuel? Keep it simple and experiment with self-care that doesn't take a lot of steps. If you need some ideas of what this looks like, listen to the Elevated Adolescence Podcast episode #24. Remember that making time for things that bring you joy, exploring your own hobbies, and having tools for self-care not only benefit you but signal to your middle schooler ways they can take care of themselves too.
As you start to get in touch with your own needs, you'll discover that all the yucky teen stuff gets easier, or the speedbumps feel less often. And you know why? Because being attuned to your teen's needs goes hand in hand with being attuned to your own needs. When you can be aware of what you need in order to be a full and functioning human, then you are more likely to understand what your adolescent needs to do the same for themselves. And they will probably want to jump on the self-care bandwagon and give more thought to what feeds their heart, mind, and soul. It's something you can both share with each other!
Here are some ideas of how to get in touch with your needs.
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Have a conversation with yourself.
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I know it might seem silly, but it can be helpful to talk to yourself like you would talk to a loved one in need. Straight up ask yourself, "What do you need? What can I do for you?" You might be surprised what comes up.
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Keep a journal and take note of times you feel energized and times you feel depleted.
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See if you can trace your mood back to a thing or an experience that made you feel that way.
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Do less of what drains you or find ways to delegate and do more of what energizes you!
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Think about a part of yourself that you miss.
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We all go through phases and changes and there might be parts of yourself that you actually really love, a trait the "old you" had but hasn't been around in a while. Try rediscovering old hobbies or think about that part you miss and find ways to let that "you" shine through more.
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Practice setting boundaries.
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Sometimes knowing what you need is about having the space to do so. Are there chunks of time in the day you can block out to have some "you" time? If so, be firm about it.
Think about getting in touch with your needs like building a home. What is your foundation? What do you want to be in each room? Fill your home with things that bring you joy, that put the light in your eyes. And remember to have patience, compassion, forgiveness, and to share the experience with your middle schooler!
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