The Secret to Gratitude in Middle School - What Parents Should Know, but Probably Don't

Gratitude. It’s the season to express it and you know it matters to life, mental health, and feeling successful, but why, exactly? And, why is it so important to your middle schooler? 

 

It has long been known that gratitude is essential to a happy life. An idea rooted in many religions and philosophies, gratitude's origins come from primate social behavior. We all seem to have an intrinsic understanding of what gratitude is, but it's frequently expressed to other people and/or interwoven into manners. Parents, how often are you telling your kids to say, "thank you," or to write thank you cards after birthdays. Or, how about helping your kids to understand that their circumstances are sometimes more privileged than others (my grandmother used to tell me to finish my dinner because there was a starving child somewhere). I got so good at saying, "thank you," as a kid that I would even say it when my mom handed me the over-stuffed trash bag to take out at the end of the night.

 

But being able to say "thank you" at the appropriate times isn't the whole story of gratitude.

 

Through the wonders of modern science, we have been able to uncover some of the secrets and benefits of gratitude, such as increased happiness, better sleep quality, self-regulation, healthier relationships, and improved symptoms of anxiety and depression. Gratitude is an important practice and can determine the quality of our lives and overall life satisfaction. While many of you understand the concepts of gratitude, the practice of it is learned, especially from our parents, peers, and society.

 

And, if you're reading this then you are in the right place at the right time!

 

The real prime time to teach and absorb the skill is during adolescence. Middle school is when your kid's brain is going through so many developmental changes; they are discovering their own beliefs, opinions, and moral judgments as it relates to their identity and their ideas of the world. Consider gratitude as the ultimate floodlight of the good things happening for you and your adolescent through the experimental, and high-stakes teen tunnel. It's something you can return to again and again when you need clarity, calm, and connection.

 

So, here is all you need to know about the secrets and science of gratitude, and most of all why it matters for your middle schooler. Read on to find out about:

Simply put, gratitude is the quality of being thankful; the readiness to show appreciation and show kindness. Quality and readiness are keywords because they point to the true mechanisms of gratitude. It's very easy to feel thankful, but gratitude takes it a step above thankfulness with a more meaningful quality to the feeling. Like any practice, the more you do it the stronger the benefits. The more consistently you can practice gratitude, the more likely you are to feel it in the future. That said, I recommend gratitude become a practice to prioritize, not perfect.

 

Only until recently, we didn't really know why practicing gratitude had so many obvious benefits. Because of all the attention gratitude has been getting over the last few years, scientists thought, "Okay there's gotta be something to it." Now, with modern-day technology science can confirm that in fact there is something to gratitude. The full picture is still being pieced together, but we know a lot more about HOW gratitude works in the brain and the body. 

 

In one study, researchers who look at the relationship between emotion, health, and performance at the USC Performance Science Institute used fMRI technology to observe the brain's activity when participants visualized scenarios where they felt gratitude. They found that when participants felt gratitude they had increased activity in their medial prefrontal cortex. I know, science jargon! Here is a visual of the area that lights up when people feel gratitude:

 

The amazing thing about this area of the brain is that it's also the CEO of the brain. It's an area that allows us to perform executive functioning, feel empathy, moral reasoning, social cognition, and feelings of ease. This area of the brain activates when we feel calm, connected, and clear! And, that's not all. It's also the area that is strongly connected to our ability to self-regulate and relieve stress. Now, here is the cherry on top: the pre-frontal cortex is the area of the brain that is most rapidly developing in adolescence.

 

You want to encourage the neural connections happening here with healthy practices! Adolescence is the perfect time to be practicing gratitude because as your middle schooler's brain is developing they can wire themselves towards a more positive, healthy, and fulfilling life. Think of it as building a lattice that a vine can grow upon. You want to build a strong and tall scaffolding before the vine grows so that it will always have a supportive structure for it to thrive. Of course, you can build the lattice later in the vine's life, but it will be harder to re-train the vine to grow that way compared to starting off with a clear path.

 

By teaching your adolescent gratitude now, their pre-frontal cortex will be given the right kind of scaffolding it needs to be primed for stronger self-regulation, morality, empathy, satisfaction, and happiness. And science suggests that the benefits of gratitude have long-lasting effects on the brain and the body. So these skills and benefits could last your child's lifetime. This is extremely important in a day and age when depression and anxiety are at an all-time high. You can listen to the EA Podcast for more information on how gratitude relates to depression and anxiety in adolescents.

 

Now that you know a few of the secrets of gratitude there are some things you can do as a parent that will help guide your middle schooler (and yourself) towards a more intentional gratitude practice. Making it a part of a normal routine, expressing it often, and thinking about it in different ways will guarantee gratitude becomes a part of your life.

 

The Raising Grateful Children Project at UNC Chapelhill found four components to how people experience gratitude:

As I mentioned before, children understand gratitude based on their parent's behavior and most parents are great at teaching gratitude through behaviors that are considered polite (saying "thank you"). This means that gratitude through what kids DO and what they NOTICE is most common. But I think it's important to guide your middle schooler to how they FEEL and what they THINK about gratitude. This allows them to experience gratitude in more specific and impactful ways.

 

Also, connecting gratitude to thoughts and feelings is more likely to help create a habit out of the practice. Emotions run high during adolescence, so connecting things to emotional experiences as much as possible is a good way to solidify learning.

Ideas to guide your middle schooler towards feeling and thinking about gratitude:

The main thing is to talk about gratitude and express it as much as you can. Normalize the experience of gratitude and make it a part of your daily life, even in small ways. Make the practice work for you and your family and your beliefs. There is no "right way" to do it. And you won't always feel grateful, you're not supposed to. As long as you make an effort to return to a place of gratitude and kindness, that is more than enough to boost overall happiness and wellness. And you'll find that it won't just be your middle schooler experiencing the benefits of this kind of practice!

 

References

 

Glenn Fox, & Fox, G. F. G. (n.d.). What can the brain reveal about gratitude? Greater Good. Retrieved November 22, 2021, from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_can_the_brain_reveal_about_gratitude?utm_source=Greater%2BGood%2BScience%2BCenter&utm_campaign=a1fcac6170-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_Dedicated_November_2021&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_5ae73e326e-a1fcac6170-73213471.

 

Henning, M., Fox, G. R., Kaplan, J., Damasio, H., & Damasio, A. (1AD, January 1). A potential role for mu-opioids in mediating the positive effects of gratitude. Frontiers. Retrieved November 22, 2021, from https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00868/full.

 

Hussong, A., & Andrea Hussong, Andrea Hussong is director of the Center for Developmental Science and a professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. She studies how interactions between parents and kids can foster gratitude. (2017). What parents neglect to teach about gratitude. Greater Good. Retrieved November 22, 2021, from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_parents_neglect_to_teach_about_gratitude?utm_source=Greater%2BGood%2BScience%2BCenter&utm_campaign=a1fcac6170-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_Dedicated_November_2021&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_5ae73e326e-a1fcac6170-73213471.

 

Kini, P., Wong, J., McInnis, S., Gabana, N., & Brown, J. W. (2016). The effects of gratitude expression on neural activity. NeuroImage, 128, 1–10. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage.2015.12.040