What is Self-Regulation and Why is it Important in Middle School?

Think of self-regulation as similar to an internal temp gauge. When our bodies get above 98.6 degrees, our temp is deemed high - and we’re likely fighting a fever.  When it’s too cold, our bodies physically react with chattering or shivering to stimulate blood flow to keep us warm.  Our bodies are genius, I tell ya! All of this is our body’s ability to regulate our temperature to keep us physically healthy.

Similar to an internal temperature regulation, self-regulation is our brain’s ability to regulate the many different forms of feedback (and some experts say stress) that we’re interpreting throughout the day.  

So why is self reg important to you and your middle schooler? 

 Well, self-regulation is our ability to get our brain and body to a calm state so that we may be able to learn, perform complex tasks, and grow.  When the brain is inputting too much stress it shuts down certain parts (namely the prefrontal cortex - there’s that scientific jargon!) which is responsible for executive function skills like impulse control, time-management, and critical thinking. Self-regulation in itself IS an executive function - and I believe from experience and research it’s the most important one.

Here are a few signs and behaviors that may indicate your adolescent is experiencing lower self-regulation:

• Grouchy right when they wake up
• Unable to troubleshoot difficulties and either freezes or is quick to anger
• Immediately shuts down (listening / emotional) when overwhelmed with new schoolwork.
• Frequent signs of anxiety or fear towards just about anything

So, you may be thinking “Great Ashley, now that I know what’s happening how do I build my middle schoolers ability to self-regulate?” Well I’ll tell you, in just 5 steps!

Step 1: Parents, Become a Detective! 

 If you just remember one thing, then remember this:

All behavior is communication. From you and them.

 The first step in becoming a detective is to recognize the signs and start to re-frame the negative behavior. Instead of trying to solve the puzzle, begin with compassionate curiosity.

They aren’t trying to purposely be annoying, challenging, or lazy. They are feeling challenged and this is their way of communicating that to you. Believe me I know how frustrating it can be but find yourself getting curious rather than lashing out. 

Parents, in this step of re-framing your kid’s stress behavior it’s important to recognize them as their own unique human separate from you and especially from their siblings. Seeing them for exactly who they are will help you understand what it is they are asking for with their behavior.

Step 2: Recognize the Stressors

There is a researcher, Stuart Shanker, who specializes in self-regulation, and I have been following him some time now. Shanker is a Professor and Director of The MEHRIT Centre and he believes that stress refers to anything that requires us to burn energy to function and we self-regulate to reduce the expense of that stress.

There are many different types of stress that we may experience depending on the day. There is positive stress (like exercise) and maladaptive stress, or more harmful than helpful, (like constant gaming or social media use). 

 In many cases stress can determine our behavior. The following types of stress, in particular, tend to ignite the emotional center of the brain. Think of these as they relate to your middle schooler.

Physical Stress: smells, number of people, sounds, too much sugar (stressful on the body), etc.

Emotional Stress: Fear, Anger, Anxiety (and so much more). 

Cognitive Stress: Processing deficit, math, virtual learning (same).

Social Stress: Social groups, identity crisis, lack of interaction!

Pro-social Stress: Morality and empathy.

With normal adolescent development, which is already stressful, and the state of the world in a pandemic and political unrest, your middle schooler is feeling it BIG TIME, to say the least. Be empathetic with what they are experiencing and recognize the signs. 

Step 3: Mirror the Desired Response

What I mean by mirror the desired response, is get yourself to a place of calm if that is where you want your kid to be. This sometimes takes strong self-regulation skills for you too! Remember, behavior is communication. Even your behavior. Here is what you can do:

• Take a deep breath. Pause.
• Ask why - are they just acting like a turkey or are they really frustrated or challenged in some way? 
• Get yourself calm.
• Lower your voice.
• Make eye contact (this is an important one)!
• Don’t talk a lot (your kid doesn’t need a lecture) and just BE WITH THEM - observe them and reassure / soothe them with your physical / spiritual / emotional presence. 

When you get yourself in a calm state, you are instantly able to fully see them and model to them how they can self-regulate.

Step 4: Reduce the Stressors

Now that you have become a detective, heard what they are saying with their behavior and recognized what is stressing them out, it’s time to REDUCE the stressors.

If it’s environmental stress maybe try dimming the lights, turn off distracting sounds like the TV, and light a candle.

If it’s physical maybe they are hungry or have low blood sugar. How have they been sleeping?

Start to think more about how you can reduce stress in simple ways so that your adolescent can have an easier time processing the feedback. Sometimes it’s not about eliminating it entirely, but about making it more manageable.

My Middle School Starter Kit also has some great ideas that you can apply to reduce stress for your middle schooler.

Step 5: Reflect & Bond

Build awareness and connection when you’re both in a calm state and remind your middle schooler that you’re with them every step of the way. If your kid is able to label how they are feeling and respond in a productive way, then they will be leaps ahead of most adults.

Take this opportunity to build your relationship by talking about what worked and what didn’t work together. Strengthen the bond you so crave with your adolescent, because ultimately that’s what this is all about.

So that's it, 5 steps! Some days they are easier said than done. Be patient with your kid but also with yourself. Take time for rest and remember that you are human too and doing the best that you can! And with that, have a wonderful weekend, practice self-regulation and be well. Here is to you and your limitless kid!

Ashley Chandler

~Founder & CEO of Elevated Adolescence